Zach Braff and Me

I own an autographed photo of Zach Braff.

This fact is possibly the second most interesting thing about me. The first is my unabashed pride in prominently displaying him in my Central Campus apartment. When visitors stop by, they usually think two things: (1) "Central apartments aren't as dirty as I thought" and (2) "Is that the guy from 'Garden State?'"

I purchased my prized memorabilia for $30 at a silent auction in Tulsa last year. Silent because everyone was stunned someone would cough up 30 bones for the piece.

But let me explain. I was in Oklahoma with Duke University Improv where we travel to make our annual donation for pediatric cancer research. So really, Zach is more than a picture. He is a symbol that the united synergy of mere college kids can bring about meaningful change in people's lives. That. and it just so happens that "Scrubs," "The Last Kiss" and "Garden State" are the Holy Trinity of entertainment, "The Last Kiss" being the Holy Ghost. Let's face it, it's the weakest of the three and no one really knows what it does.

Since last summer, the photo has engulfed my existence. I am defined by it. I use my Zach Braff photo as my fun fact at icebreaker functions, classroom introductions and on first dates. Hell, I would use it on second dates if I ever got that far. (Speaking of which, I've found that for some reason a movie about cheating on your pregnant girlfriend doesn't set the right mood.)

Before Zach, I felt mired in an existential crisis of self-definition. Growing up, I was the smart kid-measured by my grades and academic success. In high-school I was two-time captain of the math team, the nerdiest extracurricular position next to Chess Club statistician. But I had a niche. I could cradle my "All A's Honor Roll" plaque at night and sleep easy knowing that friends were overrated.

But at Duke, academic success is no unique identifier. I'm not a big fish in a small pond anymore. I'm phytoplankton in a sea of sharks-sharks that are really good at solving equations with triple integrals.

It's no longer unique to say that I'm a hardcore fan of Duke Basketball. Football, maybe. Even my ambitions aren't greater than most. I've met three people at Duke who want to be president. And that's just not realistic considering Duke has no cool alumni.

I'll probably always describe myself by my academic or monetary success. It's ingrained from a young age. As a Tibetan baby I probably crawled toward the books and gold coins.

The real challenge in life will be redefining myself with each new change when the seas become oceans and the sharks become whales that pay rent and raise families rather than do math. Either way I'll be exceptional at creating metaphors.

So to you I present your Monday, Monday humor columnist for the Fall Semester-the guy with the signed Zach Braff photo. I will be gracing the back page of The Chronicle every Monday with this semi-anonymous column. Uncovering my true identity will be a bit like the "Where's Waldo?" book you read when you were seven-only if Waldo were always drawn in the bottom right corner of every page in italics.

I won't always own that picture of Zach Braff. We could be best friends at some point and the picture would be superfluous. But at least for the duration of this column, I will still be known as ZACH BRAFF.

Brandon Curl wants to know if ZACH BRAFF needs a publicist.