Last Thursday will go down as one of the darkest days in recent memory for Duke underclassmen. Two agonizing decisions were made, each allegedly headed by men of nearly equal power and importance to the average Duke student: George W. Bush and Larry Moneta. These decisions have forever changed my life, and the lives of many of my comrades. And the worst part is, I don't see a reason for either one.
George Bush stole the one thing that was always there for me, through thick and thin, no matter what: online poker. And don't think this isn't a big issue at Duke, because it is. The average Duke student seems to make enough money playing poker to pay for their own tuition. Good thing grandpa takes care of that.
The government seems to have no problem letting people go broke playing the lotto, where they get the money and the players have no chance of winning. But online poker, something very fun and very much within the control of the player, must not be allowed in our country.
This issue frustrates me so much that I can only come to one logical conclusion: George Bush is a nancy boy and deserves to get Byah'ed in the nuts by Howard Dean.
The Duke administration doesn't seem to have much more brass than our government, though, at least in terms of the recent and seemingly very late vetoing of the bar in Tommy's. Before I continue, let me make it clear that I don't know who vetoed the bar. Elliott Wolf says it was Moneta, and Elliott did get me the first four seasons of 24 for free. Moneta took tailgate away and hasn't gone on record about the new Tommy's developments. I'm not sure whom to back.
I don't think the administration understands just how dire the circumstances are around Edens these days. We are still starving. The other night at around 3:45 a.m. I saw some bone-thin kid offer a guy $15 for a Jimmy Johns sub. FIFTEEN DOLLARS! For some Jimmy Dirt. Gross. The only reason I ever get those disgusting excuses for sandwiches is because they're on points, which as we all know might as well be monopoly money. I would never in my right mind pay actual money for one, and often don't order them because the tip money alone isn't worth it.
And now, Tommy's won't open until November. Cable 13 should do some kind of reality show on this. They already have Dorm Raiderz, why not Trading Spaces: Administration Edition? I'll live in Dick Brodhead's tight digs with his fully functional kitchen. Dick can kick it in Eden's with my 84 sq. ft. room and no heat.
Truthfully, I think Cable 13 is a gold mine. People could get away with a lot of stuff that could be extremely entertaining. I mean, if they print half the stuff I write in a classy publication like The Chronicle, imagine what kind of things you could get away with on Cable 13?
They already have sick movies all the time, now we just need some taped concerts, some funny reality/game shows, a jackass-type show with some idiot drunkenly wrecking himself every episode, and maybe some late night soft core porn. Hey, it couldn't hurt.
The public knows Duke for two things having to do with sex at the moment: rape and lack of STDs. We could use some positive media attention, and we're all legal. There's no reason this can't and shouldn't happen.
It seems the reasoning behind the vetoing of the bar is the fear of underage drinking, a known problem for places like The Armadillo Grill. If they're worried about that, then why don't they just enforce the law? The other day, I was eating 'Dillo and my buddy simply asked the bartender for a Corona. No ID, nothing. So, instead of ruining the fun for everyone, why not just get the bartenders to follow the law?
I just don't get anything about the vetoed bar. The restaurant is located in McClendon Tower. According to this very newspaper, "Aubrey McClendon, Trinity '81 and the principal donor for his namesake tower, stipulated that beer and wine must always be available in the building." Sooo. what is the deal here? Tommy's was supposed to have beers on tap and wine tastings. Sounds like Aubrey would be satisfied.
By the way, let me be the first to publicly applaud Aubrey McClendon. Donating a building under the conditions that booze is ALWAYS available in it? Aubrey must be an awesome guy. This building was like his way of saying to Duke, "yeah I partied and drank all the time at school. Guess what? I still make millions. Suck it."
Someday I plan to do the same thing, after I make millions producing my new soft-core porn series featuring the girls of the Core Four. Aubrey, my door is always open, right across from the future site of Tommy's. Rubs, Grubs and Suds, now opening Fall of 2009!
The Morning Wood is going limp from hunger. Tom Segal is looking for his wallet. Seriously, if anyone finds it, contact him. It's a pretty thick black wallet. There are pictures of his two young daughters and a list entitled "People To Kill" on the inside. Free Renner and Kavsack.
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