As we all know, Duke has been going through a pretty rough stretch recently. What with the lacrosse controversy, protests, negative media coverage, dragons, drive-by shootings and Duke parking, the last couple of weeks have been anything but positive.
Whether you want to admit it or not, this crisis has affected us all deeply. All the news vans and reporters seem to have brought a sort of gloom onto the campus. And despite his efforts, President Richard Brodhead hasn't been able to use his orangutan-arms to lift us out of our funk.
Recently, I've had countless people come up to me and say, "Jake, you are our last hope. We need you, as the embodiment of our generation, to rise up in all your glory and provide us with hope and leadership."
After hearing enough people tell me this, I realized that it was true. I decided that I had an obligation to provide a little positivity for the hundreds of thousands of people at Duke who see me as one of the last true American heroes-you're on your own with the dragons, though.
So I've decided to use my own orangutan-arms to type up a list of some things that have been making me feel happy lately. If everything goes as planned, they will make you feel happy as well. Here goes nothing:
One thing that has given me a lot of joy recently is the beautiful weather. After three years of snow and ice storms, this global warming stuff is finally kicking in. I love it. In order to get the most out of this weather, I've decided to limit my class attendance only to days during which it's snowing or hailing-I encourage you to do the same.
Even though the men's basketball team exited the NCAA tournament early this year, I'm glad none of the other No. 1 seeds are left. If we can't win it all this year, none of the other good teams should be able to either.
I've been grateful that all these shootings and the gang activity around campus have really taken a lot of heat off of the underground cockfighting league that I've started on Central Campus. You're not going to want to miss this week's fight. We've got Randy the Rhode Island Red fighting Hector "El Pollo Loco" Martinez. Make sure to arrive early if you want a good seat-remember, all bets are off at 9:30 p.m. sharp.
I'm also happy that Brokeback Mountain comes out on DVD today. The brilliantly told story about two people who are deeply in love but can never be together really tugs at my heartstrings-and helps remind me that liberal propaganda is everywhere. You can't trust Hollywood or the cultural anthropology department.
Speaking of Cultural Anthropology, I am glad that someone has finally taken action against Duke's Soc-Sci division of the Red Guard. Way to go, Students for Academic Freedom-somebody had to start protecting us from these "University-authorized event" terrorists.
I feel safer knowing that you are working hard to protect David Horowitz's fragile self-esteem as well as my freedom.
I was really pleased to see Elliott Wolf (or as I like to call him, elliott.dorm.duke.edu Wolf) was able to use his orangutan arms to grab the DSG presidency.
I predict that Elliott will be the best president ever, unless he is unable to get his server back up, in which case he will be the worst president ever. I haven't seen Lost in a month, Elliott-who are The Others, Elliott? Who are The Others?!
Also, I'm really thrilled that my roommate finally stopped flinging poop. I suppose I should have known what I was getting myself into when I got a roommate from Miami, but I never really expected it to be this bad.
I'm happy that our women's basketball team is playing in the finals tonight. It's nice to know that we may get another National Championship banner in Cameron, and we don't have to worry about any of our benches getting burned.
Speaking of sports, it's cool that we don't have to worry about the lacrosse team adding any more losses on their record. I just wish we could all be as certain about their criminal records.
These are just a few of the things making me happy of late; I hope that some of these have at least helped to put a smile on your face. Even though what's happening at our school right now really isn't funny, it's still important to be able to laugh about something.
Jake Grodzinsky is a Trinity junior. His column runs every other Tuesday.
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