Joy of Joys! JACK BAUER'S BIDET might be the first Chronicle joke-mongerer with a better-than-average shot at being read by the one, the only, the "Reverend" Al Sharpton. The defense in the story of the year has been playing up the "Hell if we know why, but it's made up-remember Tawana Brawley?" angle.
And then Al Sharpton schedules a visit.
Gotta love a guy who prefers his three-way-rape-complainants to be as incredible as possible, with a slice of swiss cheese for a story, so he can complain about justice not being done. Heaven forbid there should be conclusive physical evidence, or else the guilty would be put away, and he'd have nothing to complain about.
JACK is, at the very least, hideously amused. But it's the first good news for the ex-laxers in a long time; now they have someone with actual money they can sue for defamation.
Anyways, the way JACK sees it, if there's gonna be a circus, might as well have some fun. With that in mind, JACK is offering annotated odds on today's events. And the house always wins.
Over-under on number of players brought to the grand jury:
1.5
The accuser identifies two attackers who have alibis and weren't at the party:
4:1
Q: How do you tell the difference between one New England Establishment Pretty-Boy and another New England Establishment Pretty-Boy three weeks after you meet them?
A: You can't.
The prosecution paints a picture of white privileged males so sex-starved they have to prey on local mothers just trying to get by.
2:1
The defense calls Pi Phi
9:1
Charges are dropped
8:1
Countersuit
3:1
If charges are dropped against team members:
Team meets at Chuck's, pounds shots, exchanges high-fives, and goes home with hot chicks
9999:1
Line to apologize forms Tuesday at noon, on Chapel quad
350:1
Cosmic Justice is actually served in the form of an ignorant divinity student dying of diphtheria.
250:1
Oregon Trail Justice is served in the form of an ignorant divinity student's tombstone being rendered in full 16-bit, 256-by-256-pixel glory. And you can't carry all the meat.
1:5
If charges are filed against team members:
Team meets at Chuck's, pounds shots, exchanges high-fives, and goes home with hot chicks
9999:1
Al Sharpton Maximum Race-Baiting Level:
Level one, or "Code Green: Jesse Jackson"
10:1
Level two, or "Code Yellow: Crash"
20:1
Level three, or "Code Orange: Barry Bonds"
30:1
Level four, or "Code Puce: Cynthia McKinney"
40:1
Level five, or "Code Magenta: David Duke"
50:1
Level six, or "Code Red: Stephen Miller"
100:1
Maximum bet: $69.
JACK's fairly pleased with the way this is turning out, if for no other reason than he'll make a few bucks. But it looks like the powers that be have been using this particular feces-fan interaction to slip some other decisions under the radar. Specifically, Student Affairs looks to be leveraging new research, indicating that the number one cause of intoxication is not, in fact, alcohol. It's grills.
Yes, that's right. Dr. Moneta finally found out our collective dirty secret. All that Bud Light, all those furtive East Campus Everclear binges, all those tailgates-'twas all for vanity. A sham. A cover-up for Duke's real intoxicant: still-warm charcoal ash.
Students can't help but snort down line after line of grill ash on LDOC. Coal remains, known by their street name "Dixieland delight," sell on the street this time of year for about $75 per pound-$500 if uncut by diluting agents like burned sauce or disintegrated buns. In other words, us rich white privileged good-old-boys (read: all Duke students) shouldn't have any problems getting our paws on some good old dinosaur dehydrant.
Plus, nothing's more unsafe than alcohol and ready access to bread, food and chips.
Oh, wait.
JACK's heard some rumors about canceling tailgate, but no confirmation or denial. Things are looking good for the five fun weekends at Duke, however, with the LAX team being scattered to the winds. JACK expects some new regulations, of course, on grill use.
But JACK sees where the A-team is coming from: if students are getting riled up from booze and the real silent killer, hamburgers, let's keep them from doing it on campus!
What harm could come from that?
JACK BAUER'S BIDET is the result of computation of the journalistic integral from zero to infinity. Garver Moore, on the other hand, can't do the math.
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