Monday, monday

Dear MILLI,

I'm having a horrible week. It must be PMS (Post-Midterm Syndrome). It occurred to me that I can't get a job, considering that once you get in this school you discover how inferior you are in all meaningful aspects of life. So I went to the Career Center to get some help on my future, but somehow ended up in CAPS instead. (I do not believe it is a coincidence that those doors are next to each other). To de-stress, they told me I could use creative writing to "free" "my" "soul," so I've been calligraphing haiku (haikus? haikii? hai ya!) all day. Here are a few for you to contemplate.

Dewa mata,

VANILLI

Facebook.com pics- Poor Concordia.

Incriminating yet fun, Canadians, sadly, are

My RA be damned. Great entertainment.

T.G.I. Thursday I feel bad for those

O.C. is finally back With community service.

VAN to the ILL to the I!

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a bad week. I don't know if it'll make you feel any better, but I'm pretty sure that somewhere out there, someone is worse off than you. Like William Bennett. Poor attacked former Secretary of Education whose comment was taken so wildly out of context! Here is the actual transcript:

Bill Bennett: If you wanted to reduce crime, you could-if that were your sole purpose-you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down.

Appalled Listeners: !!!

Crickets: chirp

Bill Bennett: GOTCHA SUCKERS. IT'S OPPOSITE DAY!!!

To be fair, though, former Secretary Bennett could have used a few tips about public speaking. I'll be teaching some of these tips in the House Course I'm running next semester (B.S. 101: "Hating and Debating"), along with skills in argumentation, paper writing and the Top Ten Ways to Get a 4.0 at Duke Without Ever Utilizing the Skills of Argumentation or Paper Writing (#1: register for EOS 12: "The Dynamic Oceans").

Since it sounds like you could use a little help yourself in the writing department, here are a few pointers from my course.

*Start with a strong thesis and statement of organization: "Juniors living abroad should not come back to Duke in the spring. They will have to live on campus, will make those who enjoyed Duke in Durham 2005 feel small and uncultured and will probably be smelly-especially the ones who were in Madrid."

*Deductive reasoning: "I think God must hate you. I know this because you're from Ohio, your birthday is February 29th and your Preferred Customer coupons from the new MaXxX Emporium just got mailed to your permanent home address."

*Inductive reasoning: "Wow, you're so ugly. Does God hate you?"

Peace out playa-

MILLI

Making life complete. Sucks you pled guilty.