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Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey

What follows is a very simple, straightforward list of the things that I would like to see happen during my last semester at Duke.

I would like to read a funny “Monday, Monday.” I don’t think that I’ve actually laughed at one since Patsy and the Puppetmaster wrote it three years ago. Which means that most of the students on this campus probably don’t even associate Monday, Monday with the idea of a humor column.

I would like to see the new benches burned in a bonfire after we beat UNC at home, I would like to see the Bryan Center razed to the ground by mistake when they start the new student plaza and I would like to see a van plow through the phallic flyer posting cylinders, like in “Old School.

I would like for The Chronicle to be held to the same standard of reporting as CBS News instead of the White House (the former’s reputation was seriously threatened by reporting a potentially true story based on false documents; the latter was re-elected even after leading our country into a Vietnam-esque quagmire based on a false pretense). Last semester’s Chronicle report about an incident that may or may not have happened in a Randolph bathroom three years ago was shamefully undocumented and unsubstantiated. I hope to see improvement.

I would like to see Duke win it all, I would like to see the Speedo Guy return to action and I would like for the cheer sheets distributed at home basketball games to stop being terrible. The efforts for this past game included such memorable items as “you killed Abel” for opposing player Jason Cain and the delightful note about Sean Singletary that “apparently he enjoys listening to music.” If you are going to take the time to pass out a thousand sheets of paper to us, make it funny. Not just to you. To everyone.

I was going to say that I’d like for an engineer to admit that perhaps other people here work hard at what they do. Thankfully, however, an engineer pointed out to me that it isn’t that humanities students don’t work hard—it’s that the work we do is pointless. Thank you.

I would like to meet the Answer Person. For those of you who are not familiar with the A.P., there is a comments/questions/suggestions book in the main lobby of Perkins in which an anonymous someone takes the time to respond to even the most inane scribblings of our best and brightest. I feel like A.P. could answer all of my questions: What should I do next year? Will Larry Moneta ever get fired? Will the Democratic Party grow a backbone?

After seeing The Incredibles, I have decided that I would like to walk into a room at some point this semester and be greeted with an unsolicited “Hello, Mr. Incredible.”

I would like to see Bush start his second term with an apology, in which he accepts some form of responsibility for his decisions. I’d like to see an end to the politics of fear. I would like to see George Walker address the problem of our current deficit and the $100 billion extra that he wants to spend on Iraq instead of overstating the problems of Social Security in the hopes of privatization. Using complete sentences. Without pausing in the middle to look confused.

I’d like to break 75 on the Duke golf course by finishing birdie-birdie. I’d like to finish the crossword puzzle more than once a month. I’d like to take the time to watch movies, read books, play pickup basketball and actually attend some of those great (and free) lectures that are on campus all the time.

I’d like to sit in the middle of the quad on a Friday afternoon and drink a cold beer from a keg. And then get a refill. And then another. And when night falls, it would be nice to see Main West brimming with undergraduates. And some live music. And some Pauly Dogs.

Most of all, however, I just don’t want the semester to end.

Eric Vivier is a Trinity senior. His column appears every other Friday.

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