Heal the world

There are lots of problems on earth today that we just can’t seem to figure out solutions for (like the flu or the rubiks cube). Our politicians, leaders and Sally Struthers all give us possible solutions, but for some reason these problems just don’t go away. So as we go into exam time and winter break, I decided to address some of the most detrimental situations that currently plague our little spherical garden of Eden and attempted to provide some fun hands-on solutions for our media-crazed American minds.

1. International Human Rights — America is pretty lucky. Most people here are created equal, and if you’re not, you can probably sue someone in order to be compensated. But other countries just don’t have these rights and privileges. Take equality for women, or labor rights, for example. We send jobs overseas to people who pay their workers 50 cents and don’t buy the fluffy toilet paper for the company bathrooms. Those conditions are HORRIBLE. What we should do is hold a worldwide reality TV contest. Have every country compete for some grand prize (like American monetary aid or “not getting bombed”) and they compete by answering world trivia questions and raising human rights standards. And at the end of every week, all the nations come together and vote off the nation that hasn’t raised its human rights enough.

2. Environmental Problems (the ozone and whatnot) — We just need to make some really big sunglasses for the world. Heck, we built the international space station. Just make another one of those but make it really big, stick some oversized Oakleys on that puppy and watch our planet cool off a little bit. Lemonade helps too. If that doesn’t work, I’m not using my freezer, so they can go and make ice in it and ship it to the North Pole so as to stop all that melting.

3. Keanu Reeves — You might be thinking, how does an actor equal in importance to international human rights. If you’re thinking this, you probably have never seen a Keanu movie. We need to get this individual to stop making movies pronto. It’s important for the morale of the movie going American public. Keanu, if you’re reading this (because I know how you like to read college newspaper columns) for the love of pete, stop making movies.

4. Unemployment — We need robots. A lot of robots. In fact, one for every human. (Like in that new movie with Will Smith but without all the robots revolting). That way, the robot can do every single human’s job, and none of us will have jobs at all. But you won’t NEED jobs. See, if we’re all equally unemployed, then no one will complain about not having a job. You don’t have to pay robots (other then some electricity) and they’re usually pretty tame. We could name every robot funny names and even color them. It would be fun!

5. Terrorism — Put a hologram of Dubya all over the world in the hotspots of terror. That way, all the suicide bombers will see their chance to attack, and go for it, only to find out after that… oops, that was the hologram of Bush. The real president is standing over here. Won’t that just make them chuckle?

6. War (killing and all that)—I think what we should do is put lots of money into NASA, and tell those “space entrepreneurs” (as President George W. Bush called them) not to stop searching the universe until you find some aliens. And not just normal martians, we want the vindictive angry needy ones. And then tell NASA to piss them off (I dunno, make fun of their multiple limbs and green skin tone). That way, the aliens will fly to our planet in an attempt to kill the human race, the whole world can unite in a fight against them (like in that awesome Will Smith movie), and if we make it through all that, there won’t be any more wars on earth because we’ll all see how silly it is to kill humans when there are still good non-humans out there that we haven’t killed yet.

Enjoy your exams, and if you have any left over energy after that late night study session, try to save the world.

Yoni Riemer is a Trinity sophomore.