Commentary: RAMONA makes her endorsements

RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38 detests politics. She really isn't all about all the glad-handing and baby-kissing. But you don't get to be where RAMONA is (a Duke student, a beloved columnist and head airbrusher for the Chanticleer) without knowing how to get some votes behind you.

Therefore, RAMONA was displeased but unsurprised when certain prospective candidates for DSG office sought her endorsement. She does, after all, have an iron grip upon the hearts and minds of the crucial "too ignorant to enjoy Phil Kurian" demographic. RAMONA was unable to endorse any of the candidates, because she fell asleep five minutes into the meeting, waking up briefly upon any mention of the words "dubious," "titular" or "cockamamie."

The meetings were not wholly unproductive. First, RAMONA received more business cards and firm handshakes than she could have imagined.

Second, it gave her an idea. This space, which you are currently reading, is a valuable one. It is read by tens of people each Monday and RAMONA could use a little extra money. You guessed it: like the lights above the Green Monster in Boston, Mad Magazine and Tiger Woods' immortal soul, RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38 will now sport advertising.

Everyone is doing it these days, and its only getting more crass. Here is an excerpt from an ad to be aired during the Final Four: "Erections lasting four hours or longer, though rare, require a doctor's attention. Or, at the very least, they require you to take down your Tiffani-Amber Thiessen poster, you miscreant." Everyone is selling out at this point. Now we find ourselves in the enviable situation where a TV airing of LL Cool J's brilliant and nuanced performance in Rollerball is interrupted by ads wherein he himself pitches Dr. Pepper and Gatorade. If Orson Welles were alive, fond of sleeveless t-shirts, and had played the halfback in Any Given Sunday, he would be you, LL Cool J. RAMONA salutes you.

RAMONA, however, will be seen in an upcoming nationwide campaign sure to attract attention. In an effort to capture more of an "adult demographic," the Gerber Baby Food Corporation has launched a new ad aimed at rave culture. In this spot, RAMONA is in a strobe-lit club, dancing to trance music, spooning strained peas and bananas into the mouths of vaguely European and preternaturally sweaty strangers who wield glow sticks. At the commercial's close, RAMONA is involved in a barely-FCC-compliant gropefest with all of these strangers, while the announcer intones "Gerber: It feels so good, baby."

The potential that this television spot has to attract an entirely new section of the consumer market will undoubtedly make RAMONA QUIMBY a must-have as far as commercial advertisements are concerned. In fact, she is perhaps the biggest pitchman since her hero and mentor Wilford Brimley achieved the most brilliant one-two ad punch in history. First, in the mid-80s, he convinced RAMONA to buy enough Quaker cinnamon and brown sugar oatmeal to send her into diabetic shock, only to return a decade later, this time informing her that Liberty Medical was the most cost-affordable way to monitor and treat her chronic blood sugar woes. Perhaps RAMONA was a bit naïve to fall for his ploys twice, but, then again, she tends to over-trust anyone who starred in both Cocoon and Cocoon: The Return (which, incidentally, is also why Steve Guttenberg is required by law to stay 50 feet away from RAMONA at all times).

Learning from these mistakes, RAMONA has vowed in the future to only formally endorse products she believes in and uses herself. This rules out most toothpaste brands (since RAMONA makes her own dental cleanser from ammonia and sycamore bark), most mouthwashes (since RAMONA favors her own unique concoction of seltzer water and natural fruit extracts) and most popular at-home tooth-whitening systems (since RAMONA's last remaining tooth fell out two weeks ago). This does not, however, rule out a series of 30-second television spots lending support to her favorite fast food mega-chain of all time: McDonald's. Here's a sample of what you can expect to see on TV in the coming weeks:

The advertisement opens to show our hero, RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38, declaring, "I think it's time to make a few changes." Immediately, we see her shaving a thick, unwieldy unibrow into a set of thick and unwieldy brows. Next, in a tasteful but provocative shot, she slips down a pair of parachute-size granny panties and pulls back up a much more sensible pair of double-enforced, taupe-colored support hose. In an inspiring musical montage, RAMONA will be shown partaking in various physical activities: salsa dancing, running in place, birthing a calf in the middle of an honest-to-God southwest cattle drive. Finally, in the last shot of the commercial, RAMONA will reach out and grab an all-new Chicken McNugget, now made exclusively with white meat (translation: the beaks and feet of only the healthiest and most stalwart poultry candidates). Dipping the McNugget into one of four choice sauces, RAMONA will raise it to her mouth and take a bite. After a series of satisfied chews, RAMONA will flash her winning toothless grin, and through bloody gums badly burned by ammonia and still flecked with little bits of sycamore bark, she'll triumphantly declare, "I'm lovin' it!"

Interesting side note: RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38 was once in a band called "Stalwart Poultry Candidates," but they kicked her out and changed their name to Hoobastank.