Time. A single word that means so much to us all. Time is the governor of our days and weeks. Time is the structure to our lives that dictates our actions and aids our evolutions. Time forces springs to summers and transforms boys into men. RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38, has even heard that time is a magazine, but not being much of a reader, she cannot substantiate this claim. However, if the renewal notice for Soldier of Fortune, which recently arrived in RAMONA QUIMBY's mailbox, is any indicator, time indeed marches on.
Time heals all wounds; time flies when you're having fun; a rolling stone in a glass house gets the worm. Everyone has probably heard his or her grandmother repeat these familiar adages once or twice, maybe more if she self-medicates. And grandma's not the only one with an opinion on the subject. Bob Dylan once quipped, "The times, they are a-changing'." Fellow Grammy award-winning artist Robert Herrick similarly stated, "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still a-flying." Later, when the two joined forces to form the folk super-group The Traveling Wilburys, the world learned even more of the bittersweet truths of time passage, as well as the raw linguistic power of preceding all verbs with the letter "A." But RAMONA QUIMBY a-digresses.
The point is, time is an unstoppable force, and rather than mourning the loss of the present, we should all look with anticipation to the future. This is especially true of the time spent at this glorious university. Certainly you're enjoying your few remaining months with President Keohane, and you've come to love everything about her, even her name: "Nan." Nan: it's comfortable and familiar and fun to say.
Nan. But don't let her departure sully your opinion of Duke's next president, because the future is just as bright. Right now, you're probably saying, "But RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38, there's just no perceivable way we could possibly care for President-elect Dick Brodhead as much as Nan! With a no-nonsense name like that, he's probably all business!" Fret not. Although President Dick Brodhead's name may be stern and sinister, there is definitely a more human side to him. And who knows, maybe one day President Dick Brodhead's name will elicit a few chuckles, just like Nan's. You just have to keep repeating it, looking for subtleties to one day embrace: Dick Brodhead, Dick Brodhead.... You don't see it now, but, God willing, you will soon.
RAMONA QUIMBY is looking forward to completing her housing picks for next year. Although she greatly enjoys her single on East, she's looking for a change. (Note: this is not a spoiler. RAMONA may be a freshman, or she may just be an R.A. Alternatively, she may be a faculty-in-residence, who teaches a house course on the burgeoning theory that the first three seasons of "Step by Step" are just an historical allegory for the fall of the Weimar Republic.) Next year, RAMONA hopes to reside in a dorm that will eclipse her old abode in all measurable aspects. Next year will feature an air-conditioned room, whereas this year's climate-control consists of a poster distributed by the FCA saying "Sweat: The Air Conditioning That God Gave Us." This year's room has a lock that is rusted out and ineffective; next year's amazing room will feature a DukeCard reader on the main entrance and the bathroom door, complete with an LED display that analyzes her comings and goings and makes helpful comments like "Welcome back, RAMONA," "Seven bran muffins might have been overdoing it," and "I'm not even gonna ask where you slept last night... have a little self-respect." While this year's single can get awful lonely sometimes, RAMONA is convinced that next year's triple will bring her two new best friends who are the same clothing size, are generous with their things and will be awesome friends. But it is important to note that RAMONA does not have anyone in mind yet, and that the housing process is likely to pair her with some meth-addled drifter with a chip on her shoulder who has an extensive collection of paring knives and L. Ron Hubbard novels.
Of course, before RAMONA can, like a beagle in a new yard, make her new room "her own," she must get through the summer. Like many other responsible Duke students, RAMONA has been working diligently to secure a summer internship in a work environment that mirrors her long-range occupational plans. For many students, this involves impressive stints of pencil pushing at law or consulting firms in New York or Washington, DC. Sure, that's good work if you're interested in stuff like that, but RAMONA prefers a more humanistic approach to summer interning. That's why she will be (God willing) spending 3 months on an emu farm in Cheyenne, Wyoming, learning the ins-and-outs of alternative poultry farming. There's also a water park in the area that RAMONA is wicked stoked about.
Looking ahead to next year, RAMONA QUIMBY also plans to launch the biggest academic turnaround since Noam "The Kegbeast" Chomsky's parents threatened to cut off his allowance. She is going to stop taking all "gut" courses ("INTROS91- Introduction to Introductions" and "PSYCH135- Seasonal Affective Disorder: Sham or Crap?") and finally pursue her dream of being the most seemingly erudite member of her social circle by taking courses like "Intermediate Namedropping" and "Literary Theory for Cocktail Parties." She recently filled out her "Long Range Plan" (she's a second-semester junior; she's also very bad with deadlines), and she was dismayed to find out that she will need to complete the language requirement before graduating. She is currently starting a letter-writing campaign to have "AOL-Speak" given its own department at Duke. It's not going so well, and it's a good bet that at the end of the process she'll BRB where she started.
"The future is wide open" crooned Traveling Wilbury Tom Petty. And RAMONA QUIMBY will a-be there. You can a-count on it.
Ramona Quimby, Age 38 is timeless.
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