This is a column about Leah Hunt-Hendrix. She is a junior. Mary loves her. Lucas hates her. Well, Lucas doesn't hate her. Lucas just realizes that he and Leah don't click. They've tried. For years. Last semester, they sat on the East-West bus every Monday and Wednesday around 11:50 after Lucas got out of History 91D and Leah finished up at the gym.
They'd try to communicate. Leah would talk about her weekend reading Kierkegaard over hot tea and Lucas would talk about his weekend watching Woody Allen with Immodium-AD. They never found common ground. At parties, they'd smile and say hello. Nothing he said ever interested her and he thought she was boring, too. They even both did projects with death row inmates, but they couldn't discuss that without putting the other to sleep.
Then they went to New Orleans together. Well, Mary and Lucas and Leah went to New Orleans together. Mary was attending a debutante ball in Shreveport and Lucas was coming along for the ride and they thought it would be fun to end up in New Orleans for New Years. "Just one request," Lucas told Mary as they planned the trip. "Don't bring Leah Hunt-Hendrix, it's just too awkward." As luck would have it, Leah was already planning on visiting New Orleans for the holidays! Her sister lives there! (Well, kind of, but more on that later). Mary was thrilled. Lucas was passive aggressive.
Fast forward to Canal Street, New Orleans. Palace Café. New Years Eve, 2003. Mary, Lucas, Leah Hunt-Hendrix and Adam Bloomfield (another contentious character), are having dinner. On the way in, Leah suggests to Lucas that he speak more quietly. In general. Lucas speaks loudly. But effectively. He thinks he's articulate. Mary is certain Lucas speaks loudly. On the way to the table, Lucas says nothing (wouldn't want to speak too loudly). The conversation shifts to the guy refilling water glasses. He's cute. David. David hopes to pursue an MFA in creative writing, just like Mary and Lucas. He has nice eyes. We drink lots of water.
Midway through the meal the subject shifts to Christianity. Leah is practicing. Lucas is Jewish. Culturally. Well, he had a bar Mitzvah. And is very nervous. And he likes challah. And Passover. Mary and Lucas are recalling a pastor's sermon at a church they once attended together. "Make unsaved friends so you can get 'em and convert 'em." That was what Lucas heard. "Unsaved people are not all that fun but they need your friendship to see the light." That was Mary. Both thought, "Sermon's nuts. Ridiculous." They're getting worked up. Leah is interested. She starts to speak, but Lucas is making a point... loudly. She gets up and leaves to make phone calls in the bathroom, Mary and Lucas later learn this is because she "couldn't stand to stay at that table." At her departure, Lucas is thrilled. Mary is passive-aggressive.
"Jesus may have been a great guy." Lucas is outraged. "But some of his friends today need to get a life!"
Meal ends. Mary and Lucas decide to leave both their cell phone numbers for David. The water boy. His sexual orientation is ambiguous. So is the note they leave him. Their intention is to give the boy options. He probably suspects something dirtier. "We'll be here till Friday night. Call if you want to meet up." In hindsight, sounds like an invite to a threesome. (Sorry, David).
Late in the night, the four are watching a stand-up comedian on the hotel television. Lucas thinks she's funny. Leah thinks she is using humor to mask pain. Oy.
Fast forward to Friday. Mary and Lucas and Adam have agreed to drive Leah to her sister's house across the Causeway, a very long (very long) bridge close to the water. 23 miles long. There is traffic. It is 8AM. Leah thinks it's a beautiful view. Lucas thinks it's foggy. Mary, Lucas and Adam need to get to Atlanta before 7PM. Adam thinks Mary is an awful driver. Lucas agrees. "The white lines on the road aren't suggestions," Lucas tells her. "They aren't?" she asks. Seriously.
They drop Leah off. On the way out of the driveway, Mary hits Leah's sister's trash can with her car. "Someone get out and pick it up," Mary suggests. "Hit and run?" That was Lucas. Mary wins.
Fast forward to Laura Tobolowsky's 22nd birthday party. Another Thyme. The restaurant. Mary is there. Lucas is there. Leah Hunt-Hendrix is there. It has been two months since Lucas wanted to throw Leah off the Causeway.
Lucas sees Leah. Leah sees Lucas. A stare-off.
Lucas makes the first move. "Leah."
"Lucas."
"We have... an awkward relationship."
Leah nods.
"We just don't click."
She nods again.
"We don't like each other. Well, I don't like you."
"I don't like you, either."
"I didn't really dislike you until New Orleans."
"Me neither.'
"Well, actually, before New Orleans... remember when we went to Blockbuster together? I thought every movie you wanted to pick out was stupid."
"And I thought everything you said was superficial and pointless."
"I wanted to throw you over the Causeway."
"I wanted to kill you, too."
Lucas and Leah Hunt-Hendrix spend the next fifteen minutes rehashing their passive-aggressive history. They have both had a few drinks. They hug gleefully among astonished mutual friends.
Outside the Loop later in the week, Lucas runs into Leah Hunt-Hendrix.
"Can I ask you something?" she says. "Did we agree to be friends or not to be friends?"
Lucas thinks. "Well, we don't like each other, so friendship seems out of the question. But... I think we agreed to be friendly acquaintances."
"Great."
They hug again. Three years of pretending comes to a close.
Honesty is always the best policy. Leah, we love you. (Well, Mary does).
Lucas Schafer and Mary Adkins are Trinity seniors. Their column usually appears every third Friday.
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