UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE finally decided to visit the Career Center this week after realizing that some of our friends already had jobs lined up for next year. When we told the career counselor that we wanted to do something other than I-Banking or consulting she stood there in silence for a minute, before slowly backing into her office and locking the door. Perhaps next week when our names are revealed and we can add Monday, Monday to our resumes the offers will come flying in.
Just as we started to worry that we would be forced to work in the career center next year, we got a call from the Duke Presidential Search committee. It turns out that we made the list of finalists, and were called in to interview for the job...
Do you have any ideas for alleviating the housing crunch? First of all, we're going to stop fighting the natural inclinations of students and force all engineers to live in Teer. Additionally, we would work with the Head Line Monitor to start Blue Tenting in August and try to schedule the UNC game in May. Recently, some have proposed allowing sororities to have on-campus housing. We support this but feel it does not go far enough. As President, UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE would encourage Kappas to move into the President's house, Pi Phi would be housed in the Betty Ford clinic, Chi-O in Wilson Gym and Thetas would have living space in Shooters.
Would you renew Coach K's appointment as Special Assistant to the President?
We would certainly appreciate his input on important campus issues, but we would no longer let him travel with the President because he always sets off the airport metal detectors with his fake hips. That's the real reason they had metal detectors at the Ludacris concert, but not at basketball games. We would even expand Coach K's duties as Special Assistant by having him bring a Chronicle and coffee to our office every morning. And if he isn't up for that, we would see if he would be willing to rent Wojo to us.
As Duke President, how would you, UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE, address the recent dining survey?
Well some things should not change; we would ensure that the highest rated facility remains unavailable to students. We will admit, however, that we're a little concerned that our two primary cafeterias were beaten by a restaurant on wheels. Perhaps the Great Hall should have used its $1 million of renovation money to buy a really large and badass pushcart. Our main goal would be to address the ARAMARK situation. If chosen as President we would likely side with the students by revoking their charter and kicking them off campus, though they would probably just change their name and continue to exist off of East. This way, at least they are bothering Durhamites and not the administrators. Even when they are off-campus, however, we will still try to force our own rules on them.
How would you keep in touch with the student body? We would try to make sure that our lives resemble that of typical Duke students so we can best understand their concerns. First of all, we would only schedule meetings that begin after noon, and we would not work Fridays. Of course that's only after the first year of our Presidency when we would pay for breakfasts we don't eat and take a bus to work at 9:10 a.m. Seven weekends a year, instead of parking in our garage, we would move our cars to Brightleaf Square, and we would pay five bucks if we then want to barbeque in our own driveway.
Current President Keohane took some heat for spending so much money on the Blitz Build, building a house on-campus before moving it to a new location. What are your thoughts?
Actually, we think of the Blitz Build as practice for our grand plan, which involves moving the entire campus to any location other than Durham.
Do you feel e-Print has been a success, and do you have any other ideas to make Duke more environmentally friendly?
Unfortunately, statistics show that the savings from e-Print have been outweighed 40 times over by having the Wallace Wade lights on all night long. Perhaps we can have students e-Print a few signs to hang by the door in the Yoh football center that say, "Don't forget to hit the lights on your way out." In addition to saving the environment, we would also like to use e-Print to red flag any suspicious file names that pass through the system. You know, files like 'listofhazingactivities.xls,' 'brokengatearmdiary.doc' or 'trideltbeachpicture.jpg.'
What is your position on Mt. Olive Pickles?
It's really annoying when we have to pick them off of our Chick-fil-A sandwiches.
Like all good things, our reign in The Chronicle must soon come to an end. Be sure to check out Monday, Monday next week to find out who UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE really are.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.