Staff Editorial: Roof is out, Clinton is in

After an autumn that saw half as many football wins as losses, the Duke community is ecstatic over the football team's recent success.

The recent win over North Carolina confirmed one thing for certain: Duke is a football school. A single 4-8 season obviously means that Duke University is poised to dominate the football world for years to come. The University may now take its rightful place amongst the Notre Dames, the USCs and the Michigans of the world; proud alums will no longer call Duke "the Harvard of the South," but rather the "Miami of the Piedmont." Duke will become a favorite of anyone who sits at home on Saturdays when they should be raking leaves.

One small thing stands between Duke and the Hardee's/Pfizer Desperation Bowl of 2004: a head coach. The Athletic Department is considering a number of candidates, from former NFL gurus to college assistants, and including current interim coach Ted Roof in the search pool. These men are all as qualified as anyone could want; their football knowledge is unsurpassed.

Therein lies the problem. America does not want some jargon-spewing and distant student of the game's esoteric Xs and Os to lead its new favorite team to victory. America wants a man with weaknesses, foibles and a dubious history of drug use and marital infidelity. In the hopes that Duke will subsume the good of its presidential search for the greater good, The Chronicle confidently and full-throatedly lends its endorsement to former President and future Football Hall-of-Famer William Jefferson Clinton. The assets of the former Commander-in-Chief are clear and definite. He has a number of possible nicknames, which Bear, Woody and JoePa will attest are the lifeblood of football coaching. All three of those men had nicknames and were successful, whereas Carl "No Nickname" Franks had a dismal FIND FRANK'S RECORD record. "Bubba," "Slick Willy" and "Mr. President" will doubtless bring signs to Wallace Wade that bespeak more important successes than graduation rates.

Mr. Clinton also has been getting bored with his current position as a Senator's husband. What better place for the spouse of a powerful national figure than the school that can lay claim to Melinda Gates, Bob Keohane and Elizabeth Dole. Clinton's ability to capture a successful spouse will make him fit right in amongst these Blue Devil luminaries.

Clinton's resume is as impeccable as his taste in women. While nothing can accurately simulate the stress and gravity of a season at the helm of a college football team, eight years with your finger on the nuclear button comes close. President Clinton has been a Rhodes Scholar, a governor and leader of the Free World. It's time we give him a shot at something important.

Plus, he wants to wear one of those headsets.

In case you haven't noticed, this edit was just a joke. Be safe and enjoy your Thanksgiving break!