My life, like most of yours, has been rife with heartbreak. Lording over my sporadic successes stand countless disappointments: love lost, love never had; failure in school, failure in the workplace. And with but one week left in my career as Recess editor, I have bottomed out: F--king Screech agreed to an interview and then bailed on me.
Yes, that Screech. Saved by the Bell, I-haven't-done-anything-since-I-polished-Mr.-Belding's-knob-for-the-last-time-six-years-ago Screech. Apparently, now that he's Dustin Diamond, master thespian, he no longer has time to help a fellow Bar-Mitzvah boy out. Perhaps 30 pieces of silver would have enticed Judas, er, Screech into giving me an interview.
I suppose I understand, though. We certainly aren't the biggest publication in the world, and he does keep to a busy schedule. When he's not drooling all over his Showgirls DVD, Dustin Diamond, master thespian, tours the country as a stand-up comedian, plays in a progressive rock band called Salty the Pockethole (which is just a repulsive name if you think about it for a minute) and, no joke, immerses himself in the international chess community. In fact, his four-hour instructional video, Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess, sold literally tens of copies upon its release two years ago!
So, you're probably thinking, "Wow, this cranked out editor is pissed because he found out that he's lower on the entertainment food chain than frickin' Screech." Well, you're right. But next time you get turned down by Dustin Diamond, master thespian, tell me how you feel afterward.
- Greg Veis
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