Cleaning Out Our Closet

For some half-baked reason, publicity agencies and record labels think that Recess is a credible entertainment news source, so these poor clueless souls end up sending us entirely too much free stuff. Unfortunately, the good CDs are gobbled up quickly in these parts (and resold around town for a premium), leaving us with virtually hundreds of albums by bluegrass-loving senior citizens, originality-lacking metal heads and virginity-grasping pop freaks.

These lovely little pieces of plastic have been piling up in the office for three years - not coincidentally, the last time anybody cleaned up around The Chronicle. So, in the spirit of the season - with a sense of rebirth and renewal in the air - we sifted through all the old CDs and now present to you our thoughts, all packaged neatly in our first annual "CD Spring Cleaning."

Super or Stale?

Garageland - Do What You Want

Garageland's Do What You Want is a really decent album, which makes me wonder what it's been doing sitting around the Recess office since 1999. This New Zealand foursome is surprisingly listenable. Their sound is straightforward hooky garage pop - never sounds particularly new, but if you're looking for some happy background music, Garageland's got that covered. "Good Morning" is an excellent waking up tune and, thanks to the Recess junk pile, I will be waking up to it tomorrow morning.

-Macy Parker

FireHouse - 02

In 1991 FireHouse finagled their way into the American Music Award for Best New Hard Rock/Metal Band over Nirvana and Alice in Chains. Although the thought of these goofballs speaking at the podium instead of either Kurt or Layne is painful enough, it still doesn't compare to the sheer agony of sitting through their sixth offering, 2000's 02. Somehow, FireHouse managed to summon up the worst parts of Ratt, Poison, White Snake and Scorpions into one of the most soul-sucking albums ever made. All apologies for even mentioning their continued existence.

-Greg Bloom

Nasty Lyrics

All these gems are from Grudge's Forgiveness:

"I can't really think of you without my right hand/ Glued to my dick waiting and hard/ I know the truth hurts your fine ass, so just come and see about it./ Just like your momma did." Just like your momma did?!?

"Warm piss stings my eyes/ And it makes me realize that somehow these demons got in/ My head running around again,/ I'm living like a pig in my own filth."

"Scream bloody murder with my foot up your ass/ Ten months in a body cast."

-Greg Veis

Willie D the O.G.?

Willie D - Loved By Many, Hated By Few

The plight of the urban warrior-poet! Willie D will tell you about guns, he'll tell you about killin' and bein' hard: He's hard, he kills and from the look of the liner notes, it appears he has several guns. "But Willie D, what do you have that will raise you above the legions of surname-challenged gangstas like Warren G, Jay-Z and Ali G?" Well, I'm glad you asked: a penetrating critique of the jagged rift of racial identity formation. "We are black/ They are white/ Our blood is red/ But we can never unite." Loved By Few, Hated By Many scores beaucoup irony points for its title, which turns the whole genre into an exercise in unaware paranoid schizophrenia. Half-right, Willie--and one last tip, the bullet-proof vest would probably look better on you under that black T-shirt.

-Greg Bloom

Really Old Rock

In a frightening development, we received an overwhelming number of CDs of old people singing really hokey bluegrass songs. Apparently, they don't realize that we're ultra-hip college kids with no interest in: a) old people b) old people singing bluegrass.

Even still, The Tweetsie Railroad are the best of the bunch. These North Carolina natives have been bringing their magic to the Blue Mountains for over 20 years, and now you can bring these railroad ballads to your stereo. Let the soothing voices of Ranger Doug, Too Slim, Woody Paul and Joey the Cowpolka King lull you into a coma. Here's to hoping these riders catch wind that there were never any cowboys in North Carolina.

-Jon Schnaars

The Best of the Bunch

Shea Seger - The May Street Project

It is a shame that this small-town Texas nymph didn't reach more headphones with her 2000 debut The May Street Project because music this original and inspiring don't come around these here parts often. With more genuine fem-power in her pinkie finger than most Lillith-ers have in their whole bodies and with more funk than KC and his entire Sunshine Band, Shea Seger unleashes a 45-minute lesson in sultry cool. Chilled out guitars coupled with (mostly) subtle drum tracks and gorgeous vocals allow this album to alternate between the all-out swing of "Last Time" and the spoken-word smokiness of "May Street." Channeling the spirits of her greatest influences - Otis Redding, De La Soul and a bunch of Nashville cats - Seger manages to meld them all together. Gorgeously. Scour the racks of a local music store and make up for lost time.

-Greg Veis

The Honorable Mentions

Brent Palmer - Boomerang Shoes

Brent Palmer is a classic singer-songwriter who's been through it all: unpopularity, heartbreak, regret, anger and loneliness. What's more, this isn't the first time. What makes the Texas singer-songwriter's ruminations all the more tragic is his acute awareness of the redundant nature of relationships and his desire to escape this cycle and find something permanent. Palmer offers up subtly sarcastic reflections on rejection and reluctantly confesses to longing to fall back in love with the one who broke his heart. Sure, there's nothing new about this, but with his jangling guitar and plaintive vocals, Palmer is able to unite James Taylor and Chris Carrabba in one five-song EP.

-Hilary Lewis

Doyle Lawson & Quicksilver - The Hard Game of Love

Since I grew up in the home of the Bluegrass Hall of Fame, I know a great twang when I hear it. And Doyle Lawson & Quicksilver's The Hard Game of Love is great.

If you've never experienced the sheer speed and skill it takes to play banjo and fiddle bluegrass style, you can't miss it during your college years down South. The songs on this album deal with classic country topics - love, women and breakin' up - with light, almost comical lyrics that can lift anyone's sprit.

"Standing Room Only" takes place at a broken hearts convention that is overflowing with the lonley, whereas the "Blue Train" is chugging to the land of singletons. But before you think this CD only has room for sad songs, "Oak Ridge Rendezvous" relates the story of a lusty tryst between young lovers.

-Meg Lawson

Damone - From the Attic

Damone's music is so infectious, it's like a disease. The kind of disease where the symptoms are so much fun that you forget you're sick. (If there were such a disease.) With their swirling guitar riffs, bouncy bass lines and pounding drumbeats, Damone's From the Attic features the best poppy punk this side of the Donnas and Simple Plan. Nonetheless, as they so astutely point out on track nine, they are indeed "At the Mall," and like others in the mall punk genre, their lyrics are occasionally laughable in their shallowness. But with music this good, who needs lyrics.

-Hilary Lewis

Meg's Worst of the Worst

So when I came up to the office late Saturday night to pick my CDs, all the "best" ones had been taken, and I was left with the dregs.

Album I'd Like to Throw Out a 3rd Storee Window

3rd Storee - Get with Me

An over-synthed, over drum-machined, overall sucky Boyz II Men wannabe - give me B2K over these guys any day.

Worst lyric:

"Walking inside of a dream/ Where love is highly esteemed/ Taking a chance with my heart."

Straight to PSA Award

TG4 - Virginity

This song is all ready for an anti-teen pregnancy public service announcement with lines like "I might let you touch me/ I might let you hold me/ I might even let you kiss me/ But you cannot take my virginity," and "I can't imagine what it feels like/ My friends say it's alright/ But then they go and do it all night/ But I prefer the married life."

And they sound like SNL's Gemini's Twins.

Best CD to Listen to in an Elevator

Ocean - Mermaid Music

Imagine Muzak sung by a new-age phone sex operator. "You make me so hot/ Baby give me all you've got." No, thanks anyway.

The Very Worst of Award

D10 - The Very Best of D10

The scene: Your neighbor's garage

The band: Stuck in the '80s metal/hair-band scene

The songs: If only you could find something to impale yourself on

The lyrics: "It's like broken glass/ You get cut before you see it/ So open up your eyes."

"Ride the tiger/ You can see his stripes/ But you know he's clean/ Oh, don't you see what I mean." Not really...

The Sensitivity (I mean, Pussy) Award

ee - ramadan

You know those guys who play songs in coffee shops in such hushed tones that you can hear the women swooning while they drop their panties? Well, that's ee. I bet they even cover John Mayer.

The Bubble Yum Award

First Love - First Love

I never thought anyone would find New Kids on the Block worth ripping off, but apparently First Love felt differently. It's like a sad group of American Idol rejects. Let's hope this is First Love's last album.

Worst lyrics:

"Doesn't matter how it spells/ Time don't always tell."

"Come on and touch me/ Let's get nasty/ Because that's the way our love's supposed to be."

Most Screams

Jim Crow - "Holla at a Playa"

These guys from the ATL packed in more screams in this song than a horror movie - 18 in 216 seconds. That's a scream every 12 seconds! Holla at that math playa!

Most Apt Band Name

Spineshank - The Height of Callousness

Since having a spinal fusion three years ago, I've become an expert on back pain, and let me tell you that Spineshank is the acoustic equivalent of having those vertebrae fused or say, taking a shank to the spine.

-Meg Lawson