A note to the reader: This is the second part of a two-part series documenting my day of being President Nan Keohane's sidekick. As you may remember from last Monday, I had just spotted the prez spiking the football team's fourth quarter Gatorade supply. I promised her that I wouldn't tell anyone about it. The main thing remaining on our schedule for the day was Dean Sue's Birthday Bash....
6:15 p.m. Nan begins to defend her actions. "Coach K made me do it. He's afraid nobody will come to basketball games because the football team won twice and the women's team is ranked higher than the men's. His original idea was to have Wojo coach naked, to improve female attendance. Wojo's a little shy though, so he hired me to do his dirty work. He does make more than I do, so I know he can afford it. Besides, my parking pass isn't getting any cheaper."
6:45 p.m. After a few rides on the thumbprint elevator and a razor-scooter tour of K's office, I decide to let the little sabotage incident go. It's time to get a little dinner.
7 p.m. As we trundled toward The Great Hall, Nan saw the Subway sign and began to get really excited. At first I thought she was just pulling my leg, rubbing it in that Subway was supposed to have been open months ago, but then when she began helping the construction crew I realized that she might be for real. Nan was all about the wallpaper and was putting up the fake brick pattern like no other when she turned to explain to me that she had been doing this all summer in the West-Edens Link. I finally explained to her that it was no use waiting for Subway to open. Students had died of starvation from things like that.
7:13 p.m. As our little expedition forged on with a little loss of heart things picked up a little as we strolled into The Great Hall. As we selected our trays, Nan gestured toward the breast cancer self-examination posters. She grinned and said to me, "Hey Peter man, check out channel nine, it's the breast exam! Whoo!" She then fell to the floor, convulsing with laughter.
8 p.m. In order to maintain my anonymity, I'll need a disguise so nobody will know that THE SECOND GUNMAN is in their presence. I know! I can wear a wolf mask! Nobody will suspect me then. I liken the chances of a wolf being funny to those of a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. One of my friends in Pegram Dormitory has a wolf mask, so El Presidente and myself decide to head that way. Once we get there, we decide to do a little drinking. After all, you can't spell "pregame" without "Pegram."
9:20 p.m. to 3 a.m. Time for Dean Sue's party. As I arrive on the scene, I take a look around the room, assessing the veritable smorgasbord of easy targets. Great googily moogily! If this column doesn't get me in trouble, nothing will. I spotted my portly redheaded friend tiptoeing about, boisterously cavorting with cans double-stacked in his right hand, a Pauly Dog in his left. Supplying him was Chapel Dean Will "Pokemon" Willimon, an excellent bartender and avid drinker in his own right. Willimon blessed every drink, "as the great Homer Simpson once said: 'Here's to alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.'"
Also working the bar was Head Line Monitor Jeremy Morgan, megaphone in hand, ensuring that people lined up for drinks in an orderly fashion. I really have to admire the man for being especially smooth with the ladies. As he overcame his sobriety, he became less conscious of the megaphone. Current Duke Stuedent Government president Joshua Jean-Baptiste was also present, smiling and looking everyone in the eye while vehemently denying rumors that DSG has accomplished anything this year.
Another corner featured Larry Moneta and Bill Burig, pointing fingers at everyone but themselves. I overheard Billy congratulating the vice president for student affairs on the Subway fiasco: "Yeah, I just love getting the student body all excited about something and then, boom, you drop the hammer and you can watch their little hearts just fall apart." In the middle of the room, the birthday girl was performing a keg stand. A spectating Matt Christensen flexed and screamed with each passing second, which was pretty annoying. Nobody said anything though, because he's been around so long, he is up for tenure next week.
The Monster (English for El Monsterrio) was not the only annoying party guest, however. Also bothering the other guests was parking director Catherine Reeve. She must have been drunk, because she kept towing the other guests because they had not purchased permits. Todd Adams (sporting fluorescent green) was also making his rounds, holding beers hostage until proper ID was displayed. Coach Gail Goestenkors was stomping around, loudly proclaiming to anyone who would listen that she did not, in fact, have "dumps like a truck" and that Krzyzewski had made that up. Although she kept mispronouncing Krzyzewski, I believe she was sober.
As we left the party, we heard housing head Fidelia Thomason crying to herself because the card swiper on the door kept red-lighting her DukeCard. Ahh, poetic justice.
THE SECOND GUNMAN is three degrees from Bacon.
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