Bridge Bound?

"I've seen fire and I've seen rain."

Well, I've seen James Taylor in concert, and I want my freakin' last shreds of masculinity and dignity back.

And, get this, the king of deathly boring, vomitous acoustic "classics" like "Carolina in My Mind," "I'm a Man and I Shave my Legs" and "Cher Rocks my World" will probably get a bridge named after him in Chapel Hill. It turns out that the clowns on the Orange County, N.C., Board of Commissioners are voting to rename a bridge that crosses Morgan Creek on 15-501 after the folkie who grew up in the area.

To prevent any further hallowed landmarks on our thoroughfares from being disgraced by the names of woeful celebs, I submit this list of people who should never have a bridge named after them:

Macualay Culkin: After reportedly getting 20 lap dances in one night at a New York "gentlemen's" club last week, this kid could probably still support a bridge if he were doing the backfloat under it. I'm still not naming the stupid bridge after him though.

Ace of Base: You know what your grandma always used to tell you: "Never trust a Swede on a bridge." Ace of Base has four (!) prickly Scandinavians. Can you spell watery death?

Ted Kennedy: Speaking of watery death, sure, he's been a good Massachusetts Democrat for what seems like centuries now, but after the whole driving drunk/leaving a girl to drown thing, I even think naming a bridge after this really fat cat would be in poor taste. Now, if they named the congressional buffet after him....

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen: Pedophiliac tendencies be damned--these girls, though amounting a fine (and curvaceous) body of work, don't yet deserve a bridge. At least not until Dave Coullier gets one first.