Four months after his wife died, two months after he returned to the home where her ghost lingers and many months before his trial for her death will begin, Michael Peterson finds himself paradoxically struggling to both move on and hold on.
Kathleen Peterson was found dead in her home Dec. 9, the cause listed as massive head trauma--initially thought by Durham County medical examiners to have been caused by a fall down a flight of stairs and now believed by prosecutors to have been caused by her husband.
After spending the holidays in jail, Peterson now waits in limbo for his day in court.
"You have two options: You can lie all day in a fetal position, feeling sorry, or you can try to do something," Peterson said. Despite all that has happened, the sense of vigor that defined his columns for both The Herald-Sun of Durham and The Chronicle, remains. It is, however, couched in very deep grief.
"My days are sad all the time; I've had little time to do much grieving," Peterson said, as he compulsively smoked a pipe, sitting in his study, surrounded by art, furniture and objects that his wife once picked out for him.
Talking about the grieving process pains him. In a typical day, he said he sees a number of things that remind him of his wife and lead him to break down and cry. This day, it was a box of old photographs. "The pictures are the worst, all of the pictures of her." He confessed later that after a day of remembrances, "it's hard to go upstairs at night and go to bed."
But he seems determined. Peterson said he is supremely confident he will be acquitted: "I didn't do anything wrong." Although he suggested there are "no steps for getting over a loss like this," he insisted that he is trying to deal with the loss and begin with recovery. Part of that recovery may involve writing about the trial--he is keeping notes--and part of that recovery has already involved writing.
Over the month he spent in the Durham Country Jail, Peterson wrote about his fellow inmates. He still visits four men he spent time with in jail. The observations have also fueled his frustration with the criminal justice system.
Before the indictment, Peterson was no friend to Durham's police and courts--he frequently criticized their performance in his columns. Former Durham Chief of Police Theresa Chambers was so irked by one Peterson column that she sent him a personal e-mail, he said. He said that as much as he resents the way the police treated him--not allowing him time to grieve, intimidating his family and, according to his attorney, sloppily collecting evidence--he said many more people in Durham County, especially blacks, get a less fair shake on a daily basis.
"I do believe in the justice system," Peterson said. "But, there are more black women in [the Durham County Jail] than white men. Nearly 10,000 blacks pass under the arches of the entrance of the jail each year as inmates or visiting someone."
As he continued, the complaint became broader. "There are more people in prison in this country than there are in any country in the rest of the world--what does that say about the world's greatest democracy?"
Peterson said he has long felt this way but his investigation has made his convictions more vivid.
When he goes out, Peterson said people recognize him, adding that no one has said anything confrontational or rude. He also said he has been overwhelmed by the support he has received from black residents in Durham. "Unfortunately, they have a better understanding of what I'm going through and of what it is like to deal with the police."
The politics of prison equity charge Peterson, but do not expect to see his name on the ballot again, despite his previous attempts to serve as mayor and on the Durham City Council. When asked about the possibility, he interrupted with a loud "No."
Beyond that, Peterson said he is largely unsure what he will do if acquitted but that he has considered moving away from Durham. "If I left, I wouldn't be running from anything. I love the house, I like Durham."
He said he has thought of leaving before. Last November, he and his wife drove along the Florida coast, looking at places to retire. But seeing the sun-soaked, young bodies, Kathleen Peterson decided she would not retire anywhere she felt she did not look good, he vividly recalled.
Now that he is on his own--save support from both his and Kathleen's family--he said he cannot foresee what will come. "I always imagined doing things with Kathleen," he said. "There's this huge void." He trailed off before beginning another story about his wife. As her favorite piece of music, "The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba," played in the background, Peterson's life with her ghost continued.
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