Apologetically speaking...

The pope recently issued an apology for errors throughout the course of history committed by the Catholic Church. His Holiness was no doubt influenced by George W. Bush's recent apology to Catholics for speaking at an avowed anti-Catholic university and not criticizing the school's bigotry. The Texas governor has promised to speak out against bigotry in the future-whenever the polls tell him it is the right thing to do. When John Paul II was asked why he was speaking out at this time, he reportedly declared: "I am a uniter, not a divider."

Still, the pope and the governor are setting an example that many of us should follow. In fact, they have started a trend, and here are just some of the apologies that have started to pour in:

In the arts and entertainment, Hollywood apologizes for all of the Rocky movies and anything starring Julia Roberts, with the exception of Erin Brockovich. For Erin Brockovich Hollywood does not apologize, it promises sequels. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences apologizes for not nominating The Talented Mr. Ripley or Three Kings and for nominating The Sixth Sense and The Cider House Rules. Broadway apologizes for Cats and everything else produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Elton John apologizes for the musical Aida, the rambling lyrics to every song he ever wrote and for his sense of style. Billy Joel apologizes for trying to be Paul Simon. Frank Sinatra apologizes for passing away.

In politics, George W. makes another apology-this time to John McCain for maligning his war record and for dragging Mrs. McCain's prescription drug problems into the public arena. McCain accepts W.'s apology and notes that at least he has a war record and that his wife's problems were with legal, prescription drugs. Then, W. apologizes again to John McCain, for saying he didn't learn anything from McCain during the campaign. McCain accepts, but reminds W. that he really should apologize for some of the other things that he has said. Bush then apologizes to the ethnic groups he has called the "Grecians," the "Kosovarians" and the "East Timorians." Bush then apologizes to the English language, and promises never to ask the question "Is our children learning?" McCain laughs uncontrollably, remembers that he lost to Bush, and then has a cold one.

Former Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr apologizes to President Bill Clinton. The president apologizes to the following: the working poor, Congressional Democrats, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinksy, Chelsea, the Cabinet and the vice president. Last but not least, Bill apologizes to Hillary. Hillary apologizes to Rudy, and Rudy apologizes to the families of Abner Louima, Amadou Diallo and Patrick Dorismond, but it is too late. Al Gore apologizes to the Internet, the screenwriters of Love Story and all the monks who are doing time. The Internet accepts the apology, and then crashes. The monks maintain their vow of silence and do not apologize. The CIA apologizes to everyone for everything that has gone wrong anywhere in the last 50 years.

In business, Bill Gates apologizes to everyone who uses Windows. Steve Jobs apologizes to everyone who ever bought an iMac and then realized there was no disk drive or software. The NASDAQ apologizes to the NYSE, and both drop 100 points. The economic recovery apologizes to Reaganomics and supply-side theory, and then adds one million more jobs. Ford Motor Company apologizes to the Earth for the new 22-foot SUV it is designing. OPEC apologizes for the price of oil. Oil company owners apologize to each other for not colluding to raise prices sooner, and then jack the cost of gasoline up to $4 a gallon.

In sports, George Steinbrenner apologizes to everyone he has fired, hires them back, fires them again, hires them back, fires them again, hires them back and fires them one last time. Bill Guthridge apologizes to Dean Smith. Dean apologizes to Satan. The Bulls apologize to the city of Chicago, repeatedly. The Cubs apologize to the city of Chicago, but no one cares, and tickets are still sold. Comerica Park apologizes to Tiger Stadium, and then announces its new luxury mega-skyboxes. Tyson apologizes to Holyfield and promises to file down his teeth.

All the professional sports associations apologize for all of the strikes. Every single hockey player apologizes to every single other hockey player. The referees apologize to Jason Williams for not letting him lay the smack down on Kenyan Weaks. North Carolina State apologizes for the second half of its ACC season. Coaches Goestenkors and Krzyzewski don't have to apologize to anybody; their coaching jobs were simply excellent.