All right, let's just get it all out on the table: I'm a senior and this is my last column. That means that, like it or not, it's time for me to grace you all with my superior knowledge and worldly wisdom. Get your pencils ready, because these pearls will fall from my lips (computer, whatever) only once.
If you ever find yourself miscommunicating with a Duke male (never happens, I know, but use your imagination), try speaking in their native language: movie quotes. The small (though sometimes painful) repertoire of "Fletch," "Airplane," "Vacation," "Naked Gun" and now "Jerky Boys" ought to get you through almost any conversation with one of our male counterparts. Though you'll sound like a complete idiot repeating things like: "Mind if I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo . . .," they will not only think you're cool for talking like that, but they'll also begin to understand what you're saying (not that you will . . . ). Be careful with this if your name involves the word "rosen," however . . .
Go abroad. Don't make excuses to stay at Duke. You're here for seven semesters anyway and none will compare with the one (or more) spent out of the country and away from Duke. You'll learn things you never even dreamed of and you'll maybe even gain some sense of perspective after so much time in this place. Duke is great, but believe it or not, there is an outside world that's pretty cool too.
Procrastinate. It builds character (or so I've convinced myself).
If you ever have kids, teach them how to throw and catch a baseball. It's fun and they'll love you for it. And make sure you teach your daughters--you'd be amazed at the stupid ways in which women can gain respect in this world; for some reason a good arm is one of them.
It's been said a million times but that's because it's worth saying--take professors, not courses. The best-sounding course is worthless if the prof is no good--even if his or her (probably his) research wins awards. You might want to do this quick because Duke has a thing for getting rid of its best teaching assets, and pretty soon we'll all be stuck with brilliant blocks of wood reading their notes to the sleeping masses.
Read the graffiti in the stacks and make creative (not stupid and vulgar) contributions. (My personal favorite: "It's difficult to throw an octopus with pinpoint accuracy."--Second floor Perkins.)
Take ethics with Dr. McCollough. It'll really make you think.
Take the class where they make you wear a big pink X on your chest and misdirect traffic all over East Campus. It's the same class as the one where they put you in a boat and drop you off in the middle of nowhere and wish you luck finding your way back. Believe it or not, it's incredibly useful. And don't miss the class where you seriously discuss God's flatulence and the Divine Vagina. It'll make you wonder what the hell we're all thinking anyway.
Realize that the administration was wrong this time and that you truly missed out if you never got a chance to take a class with Dr. Lomperis.
Know that reading is fundamental.
Really take a stand on something at least once in your Duke career. It'll teach you a lot about who you are and what you want and what makes you tick and that's the best kind of stuff to learn.
Watch hockey for hockey's sake and root for the Islanders. Next to rooting for Duke, it's the easiest way to live a life of fulfillment, contentment and harmony with nature (even though they lose a lot).
Don't apologize for who you are as long as you're being yourself. It's when you stop being yourself that you have to make up excuses for all the ways you're screwing up.
During the course of this semester, I've repeatedly affirmed my belief that transitions suck. Therefore there will be no transition to the next part of my column. This is the part where I thank everyone who helped me out as I ranted and raved and jumped around like a ridiculous lunatic in the process of bringing this column to you all year. Jess, Em, Rach, Melynn, Kinger, Bennie, the senior cretians, Momma Jo, Father Dude and everyone who has ever given me an honest reaction to anything I've written on this page (even if you hated it): Thanks for making me care and for making me think and for making me laugh so hard it hurts.
Wendy Rosenberg is a Trinity senior who thanks you for playing, wishes you a safe and pleasant flight and wants Tom DeLuca to conduct the baccalaureate service.
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