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Monday, Monday
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EXXIT offers quiz for die-hard fans, creative t-shirt ideas**
Captain's log. Stardate, March 28, 1994. I am worried about the crew. Although the celebration this weekend seemed to have cheered them up, they still appear disturbed by their encounter with an alien life form during our recent reconnaissance of that nearby dark, desolate planet in the Craven galaxy. I fear that not even a national championship will be enough to remove the curse that this small, bizarre tribe of alien warriors has placed upon them. I am cancelling any further explorations of Planet Psi U at this time.
I would like to declare this Final Four Awareness Week. Be aware that many of us will not get tickets. The big question that remains now is who will get to go to Charlotte to watch Team Nike take it all. Given the high demand for tickets this year, the administration asked me to help weed out those not worthy of Final Four tickets. Just answer these few questions and when you're done, cut out the quiz and take it with you when you enter the lottery. This quiz is designed to single out the die-hard Duke basketball fans among us.
Question 1: Where, during basketball games in Cameron, are medical emergencies and Code 5 available? (Never did pay attention to that announcement, did you?)
Question 2: In the mid-'80s team photo on the wall in the back of the U-Room, number 51 sits front and center. Name him, his points-per-game average and the average number of times he actually had his warm-ups off during the season.
Question 3: Help out the Blue Devils. Calculate the force that will be required to restrain Chris Collins and prevent him from completely dismembering his teammates during a national championship celebration. Show your math. Your answer may be in dynes, newtons or Greg Newtons.
Question 4: True or False: When Mickie Krzyzewski is shown looking so distressed during basketball games, she is really worried that the next commercial that features her husband will be another of those Bud Light "Ladies' Night" ads.
Not going to Charlotte does not mean that you shouldn't look forward to this weekend. Duke campus has a lot to offer during the Final Four. For example, victory bonfires are about as spontaneous, unplanned and unmonitored as Krzyzewskiville. Duke anality at its finest. Final Four bonfires are nothing like what we had a sample of this weekend. University officials go all out to make sure our bonfires are safe and fun, because they know, like the NCAA Safety Advisory posted around campus says, "Fire is danger." (I wonder how long it took Chief Wiggum to think up that one.)
Expect Public Safety to blow its annual budget on a full set of riot gear. Those "Public Enemy" baseball hats they wear are a product of a past Final Four. To combat the people of Durham's efforts to share in our joy, North Carolina National Guardsmen will set up blockades throughout campus and, unless you have a Duke card, you will be shot without warning. Public Safety has already taken measures to this effect by pulling out the bushes on the traffic circle and installing land mines. All contact to the outside world will be shut off for the weekend, forcing L'il Dino's to organize an airlift to save starving students.
Also out in full force this coming weekend will be Chanticleer photographers, who will be prowling for flesh. If you're worried that your one-inch senior portrait is your only shot at Chanticleer fame, Final Four weekend is your opportunity. What upperclassmen could possibly forget that guy who became a legend in these parts because of his parts? Full frontal nudity is highly encouraged at all celebrations and is your chance to show fellow undergrads how happy a national championship really makes you feel. Judging from that guy's candid shot, if I remember correctly, he wasn't really all that excited about winning.
Finally, I was up early this morning to wait for the bookstore to open so I could add to my collection of Final Four memorabilia. I would love to meet the creative genius who designs all the t-shirts for the bookstore. Inside sources tell me that these are a few you should expect to see this week:
"Final Four Charlotte '94--No Dogs Allowed!"
"What's that you say, Mr. Robinson? Charlotte holds no place for you to play. Hey hey hey."
"It's a Duke eat Dog world (and Purdue's wearing milkbone underwear)"
"You can play the Big Dog, but can you spay the Big Dog? Duke--We Can Spay"
Although a certain bench survived this weekend, EXXIT predicts it will become kindling next Monday night--Ahhhhhh, SPE ya!
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