Dear Dr. Monday,
Between alumni weekend and away formals, I haven’t been able to find a guy under the age of 35 who’s down to hook up this entire week. I saw the article about the new PASH Center giving out free sex toys and can’t believe their timing is so on point—where do I pick mine up?
Thanks!
Sexually Frustrated
Dear Frustratingly Sexual,
What is it about college that suddenly makes talking about sex okay? Where I lived, we were taught the right way—the girls were too ashamed to have sex, and the boys did their best to shove the girls right off that sexual moral cliff. As my grandpappy always used to say, “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. If a lock gets open by a lot of keys, it’s a whore. Like your grandmother.”
Like most Duke students, I’ve commonly joked that Duke Student Government is about as useful to me as a bag of dildos. Taking that criticism to heart, DSG decided to fund the Peer Advocacy for Sexual Health Center and drop 15 grand to give each student a whopping $3 dollar subsidy for “sexual health products,” because Stanford did it. Do you really need more of a reason?
I don’t mean to sound cynical, but student protests over the past few months have me worried the new Center will be a hotbed for criticism. Will the sex toys be available in a variety of skin tones? Are the black dildos going to be longer than the white ones (which, by the way, is completely irrelevant to the performance of the sex toy ... or so I’m told)? Are these sex toys being made by free-range workers who are paid a minimum of $15 an hour? We barely survived the whole A-Ville protest, and I’d hate to think the new Center’s decisions will lead to another round of students pitching tents to the thought of social justice.
Like any good group of elected officials, though, DSG knows that the people who elected them are blithering morons. In a letter to The Chronicle, they’ve taken a strong stance against critics of the Center, arguing that any criticism is due to students’ immaturity and discomfort around sex and reminding students that they’ve worked really hard on this, so we should just trust them. While this defense is the same one I used for my Student Conduct case about hosting a sex party, sometimes criticism comes just because you just had a horrendously bad idea.
What’s worse is how the Center treats one of our most vulnerable minorities on campus—the straight boys! Let’s do a straight-male-centric review of the products the Center stocks:
- Birth control—Not my problem, lol.
- Sex toys—I haven’t done all the research here, but I do know all buttstuff is gay.
- STI prevention—STI prevention when you’re a senior is a bit like trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together after a great fall.
But is it wrong for us men to feel excluded when we’re constantly treated like sexual deviants? I’ve personally always been hurt by this, because outside of the occasional ass grab at Shooters I wouldn’t sexually assault a fly—do you really need to remind me to “get consent?” Sure, the “experts” claim 31 percent of Duke women are sexually assaulted, yet out of my thousands of hot female friends, not even one has ever come to me to tell me she’s experienced a sexual assault. Plus, where is all the outrage? Tallman Trask hits one lowly parking attendant with his car and there’s a weeklong sit-in, yet we have sexual assault victims by the thousands and we haven’t even had a bake sale or something? It’s simply beyond belief.
If we’re ever going to tackle the hookup culture on this campus, we need to focus on its real victims. So how can we make the men on our campus feel a little more of the free love the new PASH Center is already sending the women’s way?
Move the girls back to East!
Sure, this may have all started with the decision to move the Women’s Center back to East Campus—what’s a quick bus ride to report your sexual assault, after all—but why stop there? Boy-girl relations have been fraught with conflict for years, and this one-state solution simply isn’t working. Taking this first step towards peace by re-separating the genders would be a small show of goodwill towards Duke boys, trading us the brand new West Union for safety from the random, awkward dry-humping we’re famous for.
This might seem like a radical step, but let’s not forget Duke’s heritage—back in the good old days, Trinity College on West was for the men, and East Campus was for the women. A return to the values of the 1930’s would bring morality back to this campus and might finally make Duke a place where everyone, regardless of race or gender, can finally get along. And, hey, even if that doesn’t work out, at least I’ll have my three dollar anal beads.
Dr. Monday would like to notify all Duke students that Mad Hatter’s is actually owned by the same people as Saladelia. You have been lied to.
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