Take the bait

We on The Chronicle’s independent Editorial Board have noticed a decline in our readership this semester, so we’ve decided to makes moves to boost our clicks and page views. Here’s a sample of our newest (and cheapest) tactics to lure you into reading our edits.

What better way to rebrand ourselves than with listicles:

• Six more buildings you won’t be able to enter before you graduate
• Eight reasons your dorm is a palace compared to Brown
• 21 times Transloc (and your group project members) let you down
• Top five weird places to park your Zagster bikes that aren’t Zagster bike racks
• 327 classes that won’t satisfy your ALP requirement
• Nine Trinity requirement jokes that Pratt stars won’t get
• 40 classes your wifi won’t let you register for
• 1,000 different demands to unload on President Brodhead
• Four ABP sandwiches you’ll eat 40 times before you graduate
• Ten entrees at Panda Express that will derail your digestion
• 200 food points you wish you had spent at The Loop Bar
• 54 pictures of where the C4 actually runs that aren’t campus
• Three fire safety tools to bake in your oven this holiday season

A preview of next semester’s editorials readymade to draw you in:

• Welcoming 100G the right way: boosting orientation for legacy students
• Duke Kunshan University enrolls its first student!
• Duke incorporates, becomes Duke Consulting Interns Inc.
• Board of Trustees renames West Union to Accenture Union
• Duke changes motto: “Knowledge in the service of a signing bonus”
• DukeEngage: Change yourself, change your profile picture
• Edens students not seen since Bolt opening
• CIEMAS: the tale of a bird-killing glass building
• West Union crane awarded honorary Civil Engineering degree, Pratt ‘16
• Duke’s next big construction project: DSG
• Crane drops out due to increasing project difficulty
• DKU student turns out to be lost NYU Shanghai student
• East Residence Hall officially becomes East-Crowell-Wilson Residence Hall
• Duke football ends four-game win streak
• The Tab: American first-year attends first football game
• Duke Basketball moves to Madison Square Garden for duration of Cameron renovations

Campus happenings, as heard on the quad:

• Today’s Opinion Section WWE matchup: John Zhao vs. Dana Raphael
• Live from Madison Square Garden: Grayson passes the ball, Marshall becomes point guard
• Women’s basketball coach caves and offers roster spot to Craziest Crazie
• You’ll NEVER guess what happened at this Friday’s Duke Conversations forum
• L-Mo drops new snow day mixtape, clears Durham roads with spontaneous fires
• You’ll never believe what I found in my Central apartment!
• Wayne Manor accepts first female member
• Edit Board admits first Greek member, proceeds to censure
• Fall semester Monday Monday finally revealed to be John Zhao
• Duke hosts 7:00 a.m. click-a-thon, calls it registration
• David Rubenstein adds Magna Carta to Rubenstein Library collection
• Best of L-Mo emails: October edition (see August edition)
• Marketplace lady asks, “Who do you know here?”
• You HAVE to see what this Duke squirrel did to a first-year
• EVP Tallman Trask retires, Chapel collapses all the way
• After panicked student requests, Paul Modrich shifts research from DNA repair to GPA resurrection
• Duke Conversations forums replace classes to eliminate scheduling conflict
• Winner of Best Thesis announced: “If Duke students only drink counter-culture coffee, can it actually be counter-culture?”
• Edit Board moves meetings from Flowers to actual ivory tower, closes door and never writes again

In case you couldn’t tell, this editorial was a joke! Good luck on finals!