Student goes missing mysteriously after bringing PB&J into Marketplace

Editor's Note - All articles featured in The Chomicle are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Saturday, March 32. At approximately 2 p.m., first-year Penny Gnutt told her friends she was heading to Marketplace to grab a bite to eat and get some work done before her next class. She has not been seen since.

“Penny was always eating PB&Js. She said it was her good luck charm,” first-year and close friend of Gnutt Anna Folaxis said. “She had gotten a few dirty looks before, but I don’t know why anyone would want to harm her. It’s just peanut butter.”

The facts of the case are this. One, Gnutt had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with her at the time of her disappearance. Two, Marketplace — and nearly all of Duke’s campus — has a strict no-nut policy. Three, Gnutt had led a growing contingent of disgruntled students in protesting the nut ban, forming a club called “Grow a Pair.”

“That club said some really mean stuff about people like me,” first-year Al Urgie, who is allergic to seven different nuts, said. “All I want is to be able to eat my food without having to worry about being around nuts. If I’m even in the same room as one, my eyes water and I start to itch.”

Folaxis went on to say that she suspected Gnutt and others trying to speak out against the nut ban are being silenced by what she called “the system.” Folaxis also told The Chomicle that RAs have been doing room checks — not looking for alcohol or candles, but JIF and Skippy. The Chomicle reached out to Duke Dining for a statement, but they declined and denied any involvement.

As the hours turn into days, concern surrounding Gnutt’s disappearance grows. So does the tension between the two factions on campus: those who could die from a peanut and those who believe natural selection should take its course.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.


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