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Administrators to give morning announcements on campus-wide PA system

The Chomicle

Gooooooood morning, Blue Devils!

Starting Monday, each weekday at Duke will begin with an 8 a.m. morning announcement broadcast to the entire campus.

“I want to bring the student body closer together and increase school spirit in a safe and fun way,” said Vice President of Buzzwords Overp Aid, who will be making the announcements. 

Each day’s script will include a fun fact (Did you know that 98% of the student body would rather get COVID again than attend class?), the weather (Sun. No, it's raining. Oh, it’s sunny again, because this is North Carolina.), and a reading of the most-upvoted YikYak from the day before.

Monday’s announcements will have a little extra flair for a pick-me-up at the beginning of the week. Special guests will offer a TedTalk-style word of wisdom to students, from Peaches’s highly-anticipated “Tips for Mouse Hunting” to Pap A. Price’s “How to Bleed Your Students Dry with Tuition Hikes.”

The announcements will be conveyed over a campus-wide public address system. The neon yellow safety towers spread around campus will be affixed with a large speaker that will carry Aid’s voice through every square inch of the University. 

The PA system will also be replacing fire alarms in campus buildings and student dorms. 

On that note, Duke facilities staff would like to apologize for the 4.2-magnitude earthquake caused while testing the new system last Friday, and ask students to report any cracked glass in dorm rooms to an RA, who will cover it with duct tape.  

Now, please rise for the pledge of allegiance to Coach K.

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.

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