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University announces new alcohol policy for Board of Trustees meetings

The Chomicle

Editor's Note - All articles featured in The Chomicle are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

After reports of debauchery, Duke has cracked down on the Board of Trustees.

The University announced an amended alcohol policy for Board meetings that prohibits hard alcohol and allows only one six-pack of beer per trustee. Tailgating near the Washington Duke Inn and in front of the Allen Building prior to meetings is also strictly prohibited.

“After we accidentally passed that 50% tuition raise in February, we knew that was the last straw,” Board Chair Jack Daniels said. “Man, one too many gin and tonics, and you forget that the students are people too.”

The alcohol-fueled tuition hike was merely the latest in a line of controversies the Board has faced.

Last year, administrators became suspicious when trustees were observed carrying hundreds of red cups into the Allen Building boardroom Friday night prior to an “executive session.” Loud hollering and music could be heard until early Saturday morning, according to several students who were nearby.

Some students who attempted to gain entry were allowed in, but several Chomicle staffers were turned away even after naming five trustees. 

After the hoopla died down, Chomicle staff observed several Young Trustees enter the building and carry out large trash bags shortly afterward.

“Um, I’m not really supposed to say anything about what’s going on,” Young Trustee Scott Pledge said when confronted by a Chomicle reporter. “Honestly, I feel pretty drained right now. It’s really tough, but I know it’ll all be worth it when I become a trustee.”

After the incident gained publicity, some trustees were aghast that they were able to fool the entire student body and administrative staff for so long.

“Oh yeah, the executive committee meetings are just beer pong,” Trustee Al Coholic said. “Wait, you guys hadn’t figured that out by now?”

The Board had also been dogged by allegations of questionable expenses from a mysterious discretionary fund. Suspicious purchases included a new table—which The Chomicle learned was ordered after Trustee Ima Richman broke the original 1910 mahogany table by jumping on it—and t-shirts that read “Beta Omega Tau.”

Durham residents worried that the new alcohol restrictions on Board meetings would just push the festivities off campus. 

“If they can’t throw down in the Allen Building or at the WaDuke, then it’ll be next door to me,” said Lemme Sleep, who owns a home off East Campus. “We don’t need that in our family community.” 

Editor's Note: Happy April Fools' Day! In case you couldn't tell, this was a story for our satirical edition, The Chomicle. Check out more Chomicle stories here, guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back. 


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