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Duke admin to fix all problems—on February 30

not not true

In June of last year, Duke Student Affairs saw a major change of leadership as VP of Student Affairs Larry Moneta (LMo) was forced into retirement because he was scared of rap music and China.

Student Affairs Department (SAD) now has a new VP in Mary Pat McIrish. McIrish comes to Duke after working at both Yale and Bowdoin and receiving degrees at Yale and the London School of Economics, but she wants everyone to know that she does not like elitism and selectivity. McIrish has gone on a tour of campus groups since she got to Duke to better understand both how toxic campus culture can be—and to heal the scars that LMo left behind. 

Yesterday, McIrish’s Duke depravity tour finally came to an end. SAD announced on February 30 that it will solve Duke’s multitude of problems. As an expert investigative reporter for The Chronicle, I was assigned to cover this major development. I spoke with McIrish first on how this change would be affecting the University.

“Oh blimey, I don’t quite know where to start. I guess our first and biggest change will be creating a totally new DukeMobile app. Previously, the bus schedule was shown based on a random algorithm designed to minimize bus occupancy. Going forward, we’ll show the real time bus schedule.”

“How do you think these changes will affect Student Life?”

“Well, this year, on February 30, we will start putting the students before Duke’s reputation and revenue.”

The conversation above is just a snippet of my conversation with McIrish. In fact, SAD is scheduled to undergo so much growth in its budget and responsibilities that the administration has rebranded the department. Now, it’ll be going by BIG SAD (Bigger Investment Growth Student Affairs Department). BIG SAD’s dozens of major changes include a large list, but I have outlined its top 10 below.

  1. BIG SAD will eliminate Greek and SLG Housing and individually rid the campus of students who say things like, “Not sure you should be at our frat party. I personally am fine with you being here, but OTHER people might not be…”  Duke’s Independent Housing reform worked closely with BIG SAD on this project, which was inspired by the frat guys who went to Me Too Monologues in order to use their performative feminism to pick up women.
  2. BIG SAD will allow Duke students to travel anywhere in the world based on our apparent immunity to the Coronavirus. They cited the freshmen plague as pretty much an all-purpose vaccine. 
  3. BIG SAD will no longer allow Palantir at career fairs, citing Palantir’s habit of stealing Duke students away from our campus and bringing them into careers that incite evil.
  4. BIG SAD will create a new, better WiFi network that will actually work called, “I’m Blue.” The password will be “da ba dee da ba daa” with spaces.
  5. BIG SAD will start a CAPS-sponsored LSD microdosing study to help depressed students.
  6. BIG SAD will let people party on the quads on LDOC this year because encouraging students to drink completely unsupervised off campus is apparently a bad idea. Their main incentive was to encourage Pratt students to go outside and leave Hudson Hall just once in order to absorb some desperately needed Vitamin D.
  7. BIG SAD will move the ants in Perkins Library back to the Duke Campus Ant Farm.
  8. BIG SAD will bring New Orleans’ esteemed Pat O’Brien’s bar to Duke. Our Instagram feeds, which became a multi-hour long promotional video for Pat O’Briens last weekend, negotiated with BIG SAD’s FOMO (Faking Our Mirth Online) group to make this change. The bar is designed to help personality-less hot students maintain the clout they built at Mardi Gras. Unlike at Mardi Gras, however, students will not be allowed to flash people because the administration does not want another PWild 2016 situation on their hands.
  9. BIG SAD will eliminate the Young Trustee and DSG elections entirely because of the toxic nature of this year’s YT election (worsened when Monday Monday roasted Tim way too hard) and the unbearably long nature of the whole extra day in this leap year’s DSG election.
  10. BIG SAD will escort all of Duke’s Bernie Bros away from campus. 

BIG SAD will be making these huge overhauls thanks to the major announcement released on February 30 and funding from Presidential Candidate Michael Bloomberg. I interviewed students on how BIG SAD will make them feel. 

Junior Tommy Hessel claimed complete ownership over the changes saying, “I did that! You’re welcome.”

Junior Valeria Silombria offered a similar comment on the issue, stating, “I worked with BIG SAD on this. You can thank me.”

Again, the changes listed above are just a few of many. In fact, so many changes were proposed that not all of them could be passed. Some rejected suggestions include: a DSG by-law criminalizing “you up?” texts and another banning old Duke alums both from writing lecture-like op-eds in The Chronicle and from commenting on regular columns (alums, I know you’re reading this—please stop). 

Still, the implemented changes are anticipated to be very well-received by the student body, and the students intend to thank BIG SAD on March 0.

At Press Time, McIrish was found in Cameron shooting a half-court shot to end racism. She missed.

Monday Monday would like students to know that this article is satire and that none of these changes will ever be implemented by Duke.

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