A spokesperson from the Duke Office of Undergraduate Admissions announced Friday that a whopping 57 percent of the newly admitted class of 2021 is “really f*****g weird.” The class of 2021 had already been declared “record-breaking,” with Duke receiving the largest number of regular decision applicants in its history. This presents a drastic shift in the makeup of the average Duke class, which has come to be known for their debauchery, extreme wealth and fratty personalities.
The resumes of these newly admitted students report hobbies like fly fishing, beekeeping, molecular biology and lengthy charity trips to countries without villages full of children to take Instagrams with. This is a sharp divergence from the previously “average” Duke student, whose income and ego size typically are not offered on standard sliding scale evaluations.
Many admissions officers were surprised at the end of their evaluation process to have garnered such a f*****g weird class. One officer, who asked to go by his street name “Dream Crusher,” told Monday Monday in an anonymous meet-up on the roof of Cameron Indoor Stadium that he was “actually kind of disappointed.”
“We typically try to keep the weirdness to about 9 percent and quarantined off in the Edens quad,” he said. “But with a growing desire to diversify and some key mathematical errors made by our intern, we completely overcorrected and ended up with a number close to 57 percent. Truly unprecedented.”
Dean of Admissions Christoph Guttentag, who only reads for the island of Manhattan, reported that only one student from Riverdale Country School was admitted. Though he typically focuses on schools like Stuyvesant, Horace Mann and Fieldston, he decided to switch it up this year.
“The majority of the schools I visited lacked walls,” he told Monday Monday at a meeting timed to half the clocks he keeps in his expansive office collection. “I also focused on schools with alternative means of grading and ones which maximized the amount of time students got to discuss their feelings. One school from which we admitted nearly a dozen applicants grades their students by giving them hugs for the corresponding number of seconds to their number grade.”
Other admissions officers were less exuberant about the new class. One admissions officer and former lower-tier state-school “frat bro” told Monday Monday, “As a group of dream crushing individuals, we decided we had made a mistake with the class of 2020. It was just much too fratty and normal. I mean look at Pike-and-Up’s rush numbers if you want to verify. We knew we needed to work to try and even out the number of weird students we enroll, we just didn’t think it would be this high.”
The admissions office, led by initiatives from the Office of Student Affairs, have reportedly long been in pursuit of new students with blue hair, nose rings, a strong commitment to fringe faux-religions and who would otherwise be attracted to places like Brown University or Oberlin College. But recent efforts to expand arts programs and a revamp of the Medieval Renaissance Studies department have allowed admissions officers and student tour guides alike to sell the school to prospect of applicants a “safe space” for those uninterested in the values Duke has long promoted, like binge drinking, partying, privilege and scandal.
P-Wild applications are reportedly skyrocketing as the Duke student body braces itself for a newer, weirder class. Kim Cates is in talks with Duke Student Government to subsidize the admission prices of Shooters II saloon, noting that a sizable decrease in attendance could seriously threaten her business model. Burnett's Vodka future markets in Durham are crashing, as investors quickly pull out of what they thought were secure bond-like investments. Campus Enterprises is reportedly considering shuttering their Enterprise Entertainment division, noting that with so many f*****g freaks, photographing parties “wouldn’t even be worth it anymore.”
“Instead of pursuing these overeager freshmen try-hards, we’ve decided to target more of the weeping grad student type who see no end in sight and need a form of consolation,” one CE executive told Monday Monday.
The FAC board is reporting a significant decline in the number of requests for Blue Devil Days hosts, as many new prospective new Blue Devils have opted to stay in their parents’ hotel so as not to miss the 7 p.m. PBS Newshour. Even the lacrosse team reported that some of their new recruits are really f*****g weird. An attackman out of Idaho will split his time in the weightroom and on the field with opera singing and organic vegetable gardening.
Despite disappointment from the larger Duke community, the Quidditch team and certain SLGs are excited at the prospect of a flurry of new members who will eventually find solace in rousing common room debates about the digital mechanics of Bitcoin, the newest Pokemon Go! techniques or whether or not gender is truly a social construct.
However, Vice President of Government Affairs Mike Schoenfeld is gearing up for a new host of unprecedented protests. Duke’s chief spokesman, who reportedly says a small prayer for no new Allen Building occupations to Tallman Trask’s god nightly, says his office is preparing for “doomsday-like scenarios.”
“We’ve never had this many f*****g weird kids before, so we can’t even begin to predict the things that are going to set them off,” he told Monday Monday in line for the West Union’s watery Nutella-branded crepes. "We’ve contracted the entire Development Office to be checking 4chan, the dark corners of Reddit and OccupyDemocrats.com hourly for anything that could cause a spark, but you just never know what’ll set one of these hippy-vegan types off.”
At press time, Schoenfeld was reportedly contacting all the Key 3 social chairs for a complete schedule of all their planned mixer themes, fearful that even a simple “Thots and Prayers” party could spark a national debate about Duke’s heteronormativity towards virginal religious figures.
Written while waiting for the Class of 2021 Roommate Search Facebook group to really heat up.
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