Considering that the most hallowed of Hallmark holidays lands on the worst of weekdays this year, by now, most of you witches, warlocks and gender-fluid genies have enjoyed your fair share of trickery and treat-ery and are more than ready to settle in for a six-week mental reel of “Oh, I really should have done this when it was assigned.”
The spookiest thing that the most of us will encounter this evening are the last three soggy Southwest chicken wraps in Vondy that even the most daring of Duke squirrels wouldn’t touch. Still, a good handful of you are still itching to make an appearance at Franklin Street. If you’ve already exhausted every color tutu and creepy presidential mask you could get your hands on, here’s a few more Duke-inspired costumes that are sure to raise an eyebrow or two from the mobs of co-eds who’ve also decided to extend their weekend.
At the top of the list this year, we have “Basic Bridgett Who (Pretends) To Hate Her Sorority.” Throw on your best Lulu’s and a grab multicolored Monut you most likely won’t eat. To really put this costume over the edge, spend all night rolling your eyes at the hierarchical structure of the Greek system and insisting that you have friends “all over campus.”
While we’re on the subject of Greeks, you could also try out “Frankie Frat Boy.” Drag out your finest pastel salmon shorts and add a neck strap to your sunglasses. Bonus points for humble bragging about having yet to study for an Econ test, yet still managing to land the finance job of your parents’ dreams.
Feeling a little more edgy? Perhaps you might go for “Obnoxiously Liberal Facebook Troll.” Wear strangely expensive vintage clothing and clear non-prescription eyeglasses. Before heading out for the night, be sure to change your cover photo to an artsy #NastyWoman and tell your Trump-supporting Facebook friends (as if you still have any) that you, again, don’t give a you-know-what if they unfollow you.
Trying to shed a pound or two before the Battle of the Holiday Bulge is officially upon us? Maybe you’ll find inspiration by dressing as “Athletic Dookie.” Don a tracksuit and an empty blue Nike backpack. Don’t ever be caught without a plastic container of Quenchers fruit or a care-free attitude. If a group project is assigned is class, be sure to tell everyone that you have absolutely no time to meet because, like, practice.
If sports aren’t really your thing, there’s always the “Pratt Star.” Steal a friend’s “Trust an Engineer” shirt and tote around a Mechatronics textbook. Be sure to rave about the E-Quad food options that no one’s ever heard of and end every conversation with “Trinity kids just don’t understand…”
Perhaps you would like to take on a much more well-rounded identity, one in which you can be sporty, ubersocial yet much too woke for the traditional social scene, all while managing leadership roles of both Buddhist Meditation Club and the Quidditch Team? Then a new favorite, “SLG Superstar,” is absolutely the character for you! All you need is a multicolored Patagonia sweatshirt, some chacos and a laptop covered in four dozen stickers.
Can’t go a single night without good political banter? Get decked out in an “IDK Not Trump Tho” t-shirt, paired with your favorite cardigan, and prepared for a “fun” night of analyzing the electoral college. “Peter Feaver’s Pet” comes with a free set of LSAT exams and a soapbox for regurgitating the latest from Politico.
And, if you’re feeling particularly lazy, bring the lanyard and drawstring backpack back that Duke so generously gifted your during your very first O-Week. As “Naive Freshman,” type "Shooters II Saloon" into your Google Maps app and drop your ACT score in casual conversation.
As is tradition, 50 cultural insensitivity passes will be given out on a first-come, first-serve basis on Central Campus this afternoon. They may be redeemed for feather headdresses, kimonos and skin-toned face paint amongst other politically incorrect garb.
However you choose to spend this Halloween, I hope it’s every bit as wild and predictable as an ICS major’s job prospects.
This millennial must admit that some Duke students might be better off in costumes that hide those worn-down, post-midterm/post-Saturday-night faces.
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