TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains detailed descriptions of semi-long walks and allusions to the possibility of carpooling to class.
One look at the miracle that is West Union and the greenish grass that surrounds it would reveal that this semester is already off to a smashing start. Truthfully, it has begun to appear that poke bowls and gelato were all this campus needed to achieve the blissful solidarity that can only be found in High School Musical 1 and 3.
However, all that glitters is probably just the two-dozen monogram pendant necklaces you passed between the Chapel and Perkins. Just as we begin to recover from the cancellation of Heatwave, otherwise known as LDOC’s younger, less-accomplished sibling, and continue to mourn the loss of our constitutional right to use food points at the WA, all hell seems to have broken loose once again.
For the past two weeks, an inordinate number of students hailing from Central to Solis have had to make the treacherous trek past not one, not two, but three parking lots in the notorious Blue Zone just to find a single parking spot before class. Four freshmen, who have yet to drive cars on campus, recently reported that they would “nine out of ten not recommend the Blue Zone.”
Needless to say, the implications of this unforeseen blemish on an otherwise picture perfect start to the school year have already been felt across campus. Eight of the ten potential psychology majors who were interviewed this week upon leaving the Social Sci or Social Psych building—the distinction between the two is still widely unknown—are almost certain that mental health issues, and thus the number of people that pretend not to use CAPS, will see a sharp increase as a result of the parking debacle.
Barb E. Dahl, a sophomore and former-potential psychology major herself, agrees with her peers. “I was super quick to choose Central over West housing because my sorority sister says it’s possible that I could have a gluten sensitivity on certain days of the week but not the weekends, so I really needed my own kitchen. But with the Blue Zone being all sucky I feel like I’m being punished because I might have a food allergy,” she managed through angry tears. “Why should I have to wake up 15 minutes earlier because of my bloating?”
Other students have expressed concern that so few parking options will pose a big liability. Hugh Jass, a senior who claims that his access to Blue Zone is critical during “bulking season” calls the current state of campus parking “beat, yo.” Earlier this week he reported, “I made a bet with my dad that I could take his old Audi if I got an offer at a mid-tier consulting firm. Well I won the bet, but now I have to worry about my car getting scratched every time I go to Wilson since it’s so packed in there. I’m just like, ‘Messed-up car or gains?’ And I’m obviously going to choose gains.”
Still more unamused undergrads are aggravated that they had to pay such a lofty price for access to the overcrowded and inconvenient lot. In response to inquiries about the financial burden that a Blue Zone pass has put on him, junior Jack Hoff said, “The thing cost me nearly $400. Do you know how many umbrella cocktails I could have bought in Cancún with $400?” Assuming that Hoff’s vacation package is not all-inclusive and that the average umbrella cocktail goes for about $13, it’s estimated that he could have purchased approximately 30 umbrella cocktails had he not opted for a Blue Zone pass.
If the problem persists, it’s entirely possible that students may be faced with a bleak alternative: opting for one of the nearly ten Duke bus routes that shuttle passengers both on and off campus. Top pre-med experts suggest that this hardship, which involves placing one’s backpack atop their lap and exchanging pleasantries with peers, could be the impetus for a lifetime of PTSD amongst maladapted students.
Though these leads remain unconfirmed, top sources have revealed that campus activists plan to combat what some are calling the greatest injustice since last year’s Central Campus bus routes with a Blue Zone “park-in.” There’s still no word as to whether the park-in would excuse both protesters and their fair weather fans from class. When asked about the issue and his thoughts on the park-in, President Brodhead responded, “Lol, retirement can’t come soon enough.”
This millennial would like to remind you that there will be no etching of responses into the side of my car as I do not have one.
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