A sweet solution to police brutality

In the wake of two more fatal interactions between black men and police officers in the past week alone, it is now overwhelmingly clear that the need for reform is no longer up for debate. Americans from all ends of the political spectrum yearn for an end to the violence and bloodshed that have become all too commonplace in a nation that was primarily built upon...well, violence and bloodshed. Nonetheless, as the leaves turn, so too have complacent attitudes about the promotion of justice—or lack thereof—in the U.S.

I know I’m not alone when I say that it’s high time that our nation’s leaders begin proposing concrete solutions to this unignorable problem. However, as this is unlikely to happen anytime soon, especially in light of recent groundbreaking reports about the questionable birthplace of President Barack Obama—if that is his real name—perhaps our only hope lies in the proactivity of concerned citizens. Therefore, as an over-informed Duke undergraduate, I humbly offer my own remedies to the country’s ills.

I think it’s important to unpack the complex problem that has some white folks more confused than the first time they attempted the “Whip/Nae Nae.” Because everyone loves a good simile, let’s go ahead and call the relationship between law enforcement officers and black civilians the same as that between Peanut M&M’s and Reese’s Pieces. In other words, they’re essentially the same, but rarely placed in the same bowl for fear that the colors will clash and they’ll get in each other’s way.

While this candy conundrum provides us with an extremely accurate and intricate depiction of historically troublesome interactions between people of color and the legal system, one may remain doubtful as to how the simple solution that is separating Halloween treats can be applied to police officers and black suspects. I would venture to say that the two situations are nearly identical. If, for instance, black victims, like Reese’s Pieces, didn’t have to go and become more relevant and accepted, putting themselves in vending machines and whatnot, perhaps Peanut M&M’s, our white officers, wouldn’t have as much reason to assert their authority in the vending machine realm.

Furthermore, the scientific community has long been in agreement that Reese’s Pieces are unfit to drive cars. Has the moment come in which we will finally break from our politically-correct chains and assert that some of our countrymen do the same? If black Americans simply didn’t drive cars, thus limiting their presence in public spaces, then officers with a knack for racial profiling would have far fewer opportunities to practice their favorite technique. The logic is clear: to decrease your likelihood of getting shot, avoid officers’ lines of sight at all possible costs in order to circumvent the awkward scenario in which they happen to be old pals with David Duke. In all fairness, it can be alarming to stumble upon a black person leading a life outside the context of a music video or basketball game.

On the topic of guns, those too should follow a similar policy of limited use—on the part of black people of course. Does no one read the Constitution’s fine print? The Second Amendment states “...the right of the people to keep and bear arms (so long as those people’s melanin levels are beneath the range of a post-Bahamas tan).” In keeping with my perfectly-crafted analogy, Peanut M&M’s, as the historically more favored candy, possess certain inherent rights that their bottom-shelf friends simply do not. It is only natural, therefore, that the topdogs find it pretty irksome when the other sugarcoated morsels are afforded the same privileges, such as the right to lawful open-carry in a state that permits lawful open-carry.

In laymen’s terms, when you don’t have the same rights as white people, don’t do the same things as white people, or risk pissing off some white people.

By now, it’s probably fairly apparent that there are many small and manageable changes that a black person could take in order to politely dissuade a police officer from shooting him or her. However, because this issue is so urgent, I think it worth the while to offer yet another easy fix. I would urge black Americans to start living in safer places. Statistics and other numerical chart things do show that law enforcement is more likely to patrol crime-ridden neighborhoods. Further poll-like data does show that blacks are more likely to live in such neighbors than whites, based on socioeconomic opportunity stuff. So, it’s obvious: just move to a new neighborhood where “security” is synonymous with older gentleman on Segways.