Befriending abroad

A common assumption when studying abroad is that you matriculate and immediately make tons of local (read: non-American) friends. The pressure might be even greater anywhere without a language barrier—come on, they speak English here. How hard could it be?

The make-local-friends philosophy is aggressively prevalent among study-abroad students, and I bought into it from the second I landed. Striking up a conversation with someone only to hear an American accent would disappointment me—this conversation is pointless; I need to go find Scottish people. That’s why I’m here.

I pounced at the slightest detection of an accent, paying little attention to the content of my soon-to-be new best friend’s conversation and basking in the glory of successful cultural immersion. If I did have conversations with people from the U.S., there was a good chance one of us would eventually bring up how many locals we had befriended so far.

After a week or so, I—thankfully—realized I might be going about it the wrong way. I was seeking experiences instead of just experiencing. You can’t force yourself to have the study abroad experience you’ve been dreaming of since you first followed @dukeglobaled on Instagram.

When an encounter doesn’t match your expectations, it’s probably because it exceeded them. Before I arrived, I imagined moving into student housing and instantly becoming fast friends with four Scottish first years who could answer all of my ignorant questions about Scotland in exchange for me answering all of their ignorant questions about America. But out of five people in my flat (do I sound British yet?), not one of us is from Scotland, and not one of us is a first year.

Does that mean I should try to spend time away from my flatmates in search of “authentic” Scottish friends? Does it mean I should cling fiercely to any interaction I might have with an Edinburgh local? As simply as I’ve laid it out, it might seem surprising that it took me so long to answer both of these questions with a simple “no.”

Reflection is supposed to be a huge part of studying abroad, and I can reflect on my first few weeks and say that I was flat out discriminating when it came to new friendships. “Oh, you’re Scottish—that means you’re automatically cool… Oh, you’re from California? Boring—next person!” But if I didn’t spend the first 19.5 years of my life making friends according to who’s local and who isn’t—why did I feel like abroad, it was okay?

It’s not, and I am beyond glad I’ve figured that out. Cool, friendly people will be cool and friendly regardless of their accent. Conversely, I’d like to quote my Dad and point out that “there are a**holes in every population.” I’ve met some pretty annoying students from all over the world, but I’ve met some pretty amazing ones too. Meeting new people is fun and exciting, but when “new” is code for “nationality-of-study-abroad-location,” it’s nothing more than a competition between visiting students.