Why hate Duke?

My fellow readers, I want to begin column by apologizing for wretched absence of mine these past two weeks. For reasons I cannot disclose I have spent last two weeks under witness protection in dark depths of Oregon Street. It is my sincere hope that you were able to resort to other sources of opinion during this time.

I return to you today writing not about race, but about color–the only color that matters: not white, not black, but blue: Duke Blue! Why? Because we have won the championship basketball game! As me and my fellow classmates love to say, Duke Duke mother****ing ***** a** **** go **** ******** and ***!!!

I am sure you already know we have achieved this great honor. All of American nation already knows this. But, I am quite confused because it seems most of nation is not happy about this victory. From what I am reading, it seems that most of American population wishes great downfall upon Duke. Even in Zemblian local news, there is interest piece on why Duke is more hated by Americans than Cuba.

Maybe I am missing something, but this makes no sense. Why is America against Duke, when Duke is very symbol of who America is? Its intelligence, its whiteness, its arrogance, its summer homes and its annual sex scandals—all of this is emblematic of very American dream that United States citizens espouse every single day. How can population not support this?

After asking friends about topic, I am told that much of Duke hatred boils down to a beautiful man named Christian Laettner, whose face was chiseled from stone and whose college basketball skills were gifted by Athenian Gods. Though he possessed enough all-around superiority to cause droughts throughout the world, his arrogance earned him enough hatred for ESPN to make feature-length soft-core pornographic documentary about his skills.

Since Laettner, all I hear is talk about who will be Laettner’s successor. Who has enough whiteness and enough talent? Who has the looks and the arrogance? Can the baby-faced Grayson Allen take the developed world by storm with a Laettnerian attitude?

All this, I say is nonsense talk. To replicate a legend like Laettner is futile. Duke, if it wants to progress, must create a new breed of villain. Yes, this villain must be more accessible to the masses. More multicultural—more modern. Laettner had the prep-school bravado, but if Grayson wants to fill his shoes, he must take the image to new heights. He must do something new with it. Right now, Grayson’s meat and potatoes baby face and impressive basketball talents aren’t doing it. Let’s add a little cosmetics to list. Put some shadow around Grayson’s eyes and powder up his skin a bit. Dye his hair black and put spiked collar around his neck. Add a few lip piercings. Put Quinn in skin-tight leather bodysuit cowboy boots. During new halftime act of intimidation, get Quinn on the drum set and let Marshall—with gaged ears—play bass. Jahlil can shred the guitar and Grayson can sing war chants like “Detroit Rock City” and “Shout It Out Loud.” All this while Coach K plays cowbell in black flandex tank top. Such display of dominance will far overshadow any hair-flicking or light foot-stomping that Laettner could ever muster.

In Soviet Zembla, most feared American superheroes was vigilante group known as KISS. It is my humble opinion, that the Duke basketball team, if it truly wants to be source of great intimidation and subject of great hatred, should take a page from this group’s book. But until then, I will be celebrating Blue Devil Championhood until end of time!