A day of hope and progress

Hello Devilboys and Devilgirls!

Today is grand day of hope and progress.

I am so excited to announce to you that Miss Anna Knight has victoriously seized the throne of the Undergraduate Young Trustee. It warms my heart with ample Duke patriotism to know that she will serve three year sentence of power in prestigious Oligarchy of Duke Trustees to make powerful orders that will definitely like make Duke the best school ever, dude. Definitely! As you know, I am laboriously engaged in Duke politics and government. I currently reign over Duke University as Duke Student Government Vice-President of Eastern European regional affairs. As privileged and superior member of DSG, I have great plethora of executive orders that I feel Miss Young Trustee must execute.

It is first wish of mine that Miss Trustee orders destruction of the infamous Duke Chapel, which, despite recent coup attempts by other religious groups, continues to house illicit Methodist activity. In the place of this oppressive stone edifice—an emblem of parasitic Christian demagoguery at Duke—Miss Trustee must direct construction of non-denominational glass tower of freedom. A grand, stately erection like this will stand for equality of all religions, all races and all genders in the Duke society as we penetrate together top ranking of the "US News & World Report"! In addition to this, the pellucidity of this glass spire shall symbolize utter transparency of Duke Administration in all issues – especially those related to the recent and tragic elimination of the Armadillo Grill. When the world sees this secular structure, gleaming under moonlight with purple and blue LED strobe lighting, they shall instantly hail University of the Duke Family Dynasty as the most modern and accepting and modern university in Earth!

It is also steadfast demand of mine that the newly crowned Young Trustee shall bulldoze all social barriers which prevent unity of fellow Blue Devil worshipping comrades. No more shall people of same skin pigment seek only each other for friendship! No more shall people of same religion only worship Blue Devil with each other! No more shall attractive Mediterranean people desire to hang out with other attractive Mediterranean people under aegis of selective Mediterranean institutions! Institutions found on such artificial grounds certainly do not foreshadow any superficiality that definitely does not exist in the institutions that constitute the infrastructure of real, adult life. Thus they shall not be tolerated at pristine campus like Duke! I have confidence that Duke Board of Trustee moguls will use force of policy to fight current of innate human self-selection!

Finally, I urge Miss Trustee to loosen firearm restrictions and allow for United States of America second amendment rights to body of Duke Students. Permitting Duke students to carry registered firearms will, as we say in Zemblian, catch two flies on one tongue. Duke students will be able to use hunting rifles to simultaneously provide themselves with more sustainable diet and to also exterminate infestation of squirrel vermin on campus soils. If such policy is put in place, I volunteer myself to direct kitchen of Zemblian Squirrel Gulash, redeemable with FOOD, FLEX and University of North Carolina Welfare Card swipes! Equipping Duke Devils with simple, easy-to-use weapons like the Dragunov SVD will also prevent muggers from wreaking havoc in Duke’s Central projects.

Fellow Dukies, it is with teary eyes that we shall await April 29, the day of Miss Young Trustee’s royal inauguration ceremony. I do not yet know if I am allowed to tell you this, but it is rumor that established and respected musical composers T-Pain and Jeremih will grace our new leader with auto-tuned requiems of love, passion and respect for her leadership. With strictly enforced limit of one six-pack in hand, I will be intoxicated with paralyzing optimism for the future of Duke University! I cannot wait to see you all there!

Ishmael is current frontrunner for the 2018 Young Trustee general election. For his inauguration ceremony, he has curated elaborate lineup featuring Cher, Bruce Springsteen and the Baha Men.