On third Wednesday of February, in year of 2015, the Cameron Indoor Coliseum will be home of cataclysmic rivalry event. Yes, you have guessed it right—this Wednesday, Kameron Krazies will jeer at utter degradation and humiliation of UNC men’s collegiate Tar Heel basketball team at the hands of a physiologically superior band of Coach K’s towering minions.
It is said that each year, this lofty display of ignominy draws great attention from ESPN media and potbellied television watchers. I am personally so very excited to unite with my fellow Duke Comrades in joyful, daylong extravaganza of using alcohol-fueled school patriotism to mask feelings of the academic, social and career stress that slowly eat at my insides—much like swarm of Zemblian bull-flies nibble at twitching body of moribund hare on side of one-way road—leaving me each night so utterly and catatonically lonely on my twin-sized XL mattress!
Anyway, enough of this weak speak about relatable human feelings! That is purpose of Me Too Monologues, Common Ground and attention-seeking columnists. But it has no place elsewhere on the rivalrous grounds of Duke. My father, he did always teach to me that in order to find happiness, one must numb the beating heart with cocktail of substances, meaningless coital engagements and blind pursuit of preconceived concept of success! Speaking of which, I must get to the purpose of this week’s essay! I have, after all, been personally commissioned by her holiness the Editor-in-Chief of the Chronicles of Duke to share my professional and unbiased perspective on what the Blue Devils must do to victoriously fork the Tarred Heels. Let me begin.
As we have all learned with our Marketing and Management Study certificates, it is technique of successful enterprises to offer greatest rewards to provide incentives to work very hard. While legendary Coach Michael K. Krzyzewski makes a small fortune every year, his salary is barely 5.3 times the stipend that University of North Carolina gives to their intern coach, Roy Williams. If University of Duke really desires public humiliation of UNC, it must provide larger incentive for Coach K to put in the necessary labor to beat the Tar Heels. Considering his current salary and statue, it is my great fear that Coach K will only battle UNC with complacence unless Duke immediately doubles his salary, purchases his a Maybach and commissions a statue to be made in his honor.
Coach K and his band of masculine heroes are now hot from a five-time victory streak and will be coming in to this matchup with great passion and confidence. It is rumor that leading scorer Jahlil Okafor proclaims that he is ready to score many points during the regulation game, and “hopefully some slam dunks if possible.” Okafor’s shorter counterpart, Quinn Cook, will not be slamming much dunk, but he will be slamming unwieldy bodies of Tar Heels together with his speed, agility and layup power. However, it takes very much more than just confidence or skill to defeat any team, no matter how lowly. A team must also possess the strategic intimidation necessary to frighten opponents into submission—much like each day here at Duke frightens me into submission every night!.
To do this, we must provide welcoming banquet and ceremony for UNC basketball players. At ceremony we can feed opposition basketball players buffet of Sitar Chicken Tikka Masala and ample quantities of Loop Fried Macaroni and Cheese bites. After this, UNC team will worry less about Tyus Jones making a double-triple, and more about the impending failure of their digestive system.
But most of all, what Duke basketball players will need to reign as victors is encouragement from us, their fans! It is our duty as fans to shower our basketball comrades with great love and attention when we see them on campus, at shooters and on the basketball field. I, for example, have taken it upon myself to anonymously deliver twenty-five Valentine’s Day cards and a bouquet of Zemblian flytraps for each freshman player in Wilson in order to provide them with encouraging illusion that many girls are desirous of them. I encourage all of us—masculine and feminine—to motivate our players with affection, autograph requests and timid stares of admiration from across Shooters dance floor. It is our duty to help them feel like all-powerful demigods!
Ra ra Blue Devils! To hell with North Carolina!
Ishmael is new to idea of sports rivalry. Already, eight UNC basketball players have filed restraining orders against him.
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