A weekend of self-induced exile was needed from this campus because I can’t even with basic betches running around in Halloween costumes and even more basic performers running around for Awaaz, or whatever that Indian thing was. In my induced vacation, I realized I must have had way too much free time on my hands because I essentially wasted my weekend binge-watching my new favorite wine-tasting show, “Scandal.” After all, all of my acquaintances and parents’ friends’ children all have summer jobs and careers lined up for what seems like the next 10 years. This is distressing because, to be completely honest, I am more concerned about how I managed to forget about the entirety of the World Series (but really, does anyone watch baseball anymore?).
However, then I realized I’m personally not a failure since I’m bougie and don’t need to prepare for my future because my trust fund is larger than the gross domestic product of most third world countries. But, because the Duke administration and the fascists at The Chronicle feel as if I have not been providing advice suited to my audience, I’m going to help you less fortunate souls find your way to the summer of your dreams. So, after a careful 30-second Internet search, I’ve found your solution—DukeEngage.
To be perfectly honest—and no, DukeEngage isn’t paying me that much money to write this column—DukeEngage is the best way to spend your summer. It’s an 8 week-long trip that improves your resume for free! Can your research position do that for you? No. Melinda Gates, being the charitable .000000001 percent she is, has decided to make all of us her own DukeEngage project by giving Duke money to help others around the world and here in the United States.
The best part of DukeEngage is that it’s selective. This is good because, if you’re doing a group project, you know you don’t want to waste time around people who are obviously totally unqualified and suck. Duke is all about preparing you for the real world, where not everywhere gets access to opportunities that others espouse. I’m pretty sure that when you applied to and got into Duke, the thought of making DukeEngage part of your educational and professional experience undoubtedly crossed your mind. Oh the naiveté!
Your guardian devil is basically your only friend at Duke, so I’ll be real with you, unlike the administration—most Duke students won’t get into DukeEngage, which means if you don’t get to do DukeEngage there’s obviously something incredibly wrong with you. It’s a fun process because it’s basically like applying to college again. I can’t speak for myself, since apparently I do that way too often, but I’m guessing that if you don’t get in, it’s likely because you’re not nice enough, or not as qualified as another undergraduate, who, remarkably, must have so much experience with service work with challenging populations, that sending them to a particular site is more valuable than dropping off a fat check with the memo saying “sorry about your problems.”
However, if you do get into DukeEngage, or are deluded enough to think you’re worth it and will get in at some point, congratulations! You’re officially better than all your other non-engaged colleagues. End of story. And because you would then be one of Duke’s precious ambassadors to the world, which is important because I don’t want people thinking I go to school with a bunch of losers, your guardian devil hopes you’ve thought your location through wisely. "Will India be like Slumdog Millionaire? No? How about Jordan? Just kidding, I don’t like falafels. Colombia? But Shakira doesn’t live there anymore. How about Detroit? Oh my God, I’m not a miracle worker." This is the thought process you must go through before you can even think about beginning a culturally immersive summer serving the community.
Most importantly, however, is realizing that an integral part of “challenging yourself [to] change the world” is talking about how much DukeEngage changed your life upon your return. This is incredibly important and, even if you aren’t going to get into DukeEngage or apply anytime soon, practice makes perfect. Because your guardian devil knows from experiences how to be a fake betch, something I attribute to effortless perfection, I am aware that statements like “I really understand the plight of rural Ugandans,” “I feel as if I’ve become a part of Chinese culture due to my summer there" or my favorite “Trees in Portland have feelings too, ok?” are a part of the magic of DukeEngage.
In fact, DukeEngage presents challenges in several ways. The most relevant one is social media. If you don’t post about your DukeEngage experience via funny/inspiring/self deprecating statuses that include photos illustrating a rose-colored glasses version of the real DukeEngage experience, you did it wrong. This will take months of understanding how to get more “likes” than your classmates who are hugging ethnic children in impoverished communities, but I’m confident that with a witty Facebook album title, you will master this.
I assume that you dislike hard work and feelings like most Duke students, so I caution you not to engage too much with your summer experience. From what I’ve been told, DukeEngage, or really any summer experience, is only worthwhile if you see it for what it is, get involved and allow it to change you. That sounds like a lot to be honest. I don’t like it when my vacations are that immersive—which is why I never visit museums abroad. The last think you want to do as a DukeEngage participant or hopeful is to be active or ruminate too much on your experience. It might be transformative, which would suck, because that means you could still grow as a person. If my wonderful advice helps you with your DukeEngage goals, you can thank me at the true pinnacle of your summer—DukeEngage Academy.
Your guardian devil has decided to spend the upcoming summer supporting efforts to provide underprivileged University of North Carolina Chapel Hill students with actual professors and coursework.
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