As part of my weekly meeting with the higher ups in the Duke administration, I was reminded that your guardian devil is supposed to be a role model since you all need a lot of help.
Usually I would use the annual nationwide Duke scandal to espouse the virtues of becoming a better you, but I guess this year CNN is too busy focusing on ISIS—no, not the Information Science and Information Studies certificate—or polar vortex part two, to care about some students who learned how to copy and paste. Regardless, your guardian devil will just have to use this semester’s melodrama and life lessons to teach you how to be cool and popular. Conventional wisdom will tell you that being yourself is cool, but conventional wisdom also tells you that an apple a day will keep the doctor away, which makes no sense. I spend like thousands of dollars on produce at Whole Foods since I can’t find any on campus and I still have to actively avoid all the crazy neurotic wannabe premeds and the healthcare staff working with Ebola patients.
Speaking of Ebola, due to the recent scare at Duke Hospital, in addition to the computer science cheating scandal and the crashing of ACES, it has become clear to me that this community is far from perfect. I was under the impression that a university with a billion dollar endowment could afford an online system that wouldn’t crash when well-intentioned, albeit nerdy, students create code. Even though I’m the Head Hypocrite in Charge, I find it confusing that the University seeks to punish students who have both copied code and created their own. Likely, Ebola-panic has induced the Duke administration into confusion—but this also explains why a fake Berlin wall was built at the bus stop when there are so many real, equally oppressive walls already on West Campus.
Honestly, I would have assumed that by now, all the recent and previous Common Ground graduates would have forcefully indoctrinated the rest of us into being morally upright and politically correct individuals who wouldn’t have time to do anything else but hold hands with the closest and most diverse person you can find, while singing Kumbaya.
I digress. The point of the matter is, based on the mentality of Duke students, there is a standard—ew, no, not that weird online magazine where attractive Duke students have their pictures taken against white backgrounds—of success at this University and it extents beyond a 4.0 GPA and a killer resume, which as I’ve stated before is completely necessary to be anything worthwhile after graduation.
From eavesdropping on conversations in Perkins, the East Campus Bus Stop, Food Factory and French Family Science Center, I have determined who the elusive “perfect Duke student is”—a tall, attractive trust fund baby with facial symmetry, low percent body fat and a European car, who spends his time sleeping the recommended 8 hours a day, going to social events, eating healthy, enjoying Netflix galore and getting with other near perfect specimens while not failing out of school. In essence, it’s me. If Duke were American Idol, I’d be a better, more palatable version of Kelly Clarkson.
Because obviously most of you aren’t like me, and I’m definitely the ideal standard to which every student at the University aspires to be, you’re all doing something wrong. First of all, if you weren’t blessed by my level of beauty like I was genetically (thanks Mom and Dad for meeting via genetic matching!), there’s always plastic surgery—or reasonably priced plastic surgery in countries like Honduras. Different perceptions of physical beauty and Dove commercials be damned, there’s one way to look hot, and most of you are not. End of discussion.
In continuing with teaching you all how to be perfect like me, it’s time to talk about fitness. As anyone who knows anything would tell you, you have to maintain a certain level of fitness for people to respect you and if you aren’t respected, you can’t be loved, and if you aren’t loved, you can’t be perfect. It’s kind of like the "Jersey Shore"-inspired "GTL—gym, tan, laundry," except in our case it's Gym Tan Lettuce, because I don’t do my own laundry and I’m pretty sure lettuce has no calories. So essentially, if you want to make it, you need to haul yourselves to the gym like 7 days a week then straight to the salad bar right after (dressing on the side).
Important in maintaining a perfect image like I have is to not appear like a basket case of stress, anxiety and sleep deprivation. I keep my calm demeanor by watching incredible amounts of television and sleeping like a baby when I’m not out socializing with all my friends. I get that being hot and being fit involve some work, but this is entirely too easy since it involves no real effort, just time management. If that seems daunting, your guardian devil suggests you get a team of secretaries like me. I got mine by tabling at the Marketplace and promising some bright-eyed freshmen that I would get them summer jobs at one of the companies my parents own.
Because I’m truly this day and age’s Mother Teresa, I thought about having open office hours so you could all meet me in person in order to better understand how to actually become like me. Alas, I was told that my presence on this campus is far too valuable and essential for my identity to be exposed so readily. Never mind, your guardian devil doesn’t want to be seen with you pathetic souls anyway.
Your guardian devil is currently in the process of figuring out how to best enter a seat of power, post-midterm elections, a la "House of Cards."
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