'Tis the season

To anyone who’s anyone—which is, to me, no one—this week is basically everything about your social life compounded in a few short days. It’s almost Halloween betches. Your guardian devil couldn’t tell you the origins of Halloween mostly because I really don’t care. I think some ancient New Englanders invented it to terrify their townsfolk of witches and other demonic beings that they would later hang for treason or being able to swim. And because correlation is always causation (thanks statistics 101!), I’m also pretty sure that in order for them to commit heinous crimes like hanging the town witches—they were too pure to use the b-word that The Chronicle also won’t let me use—they dressed like offensive harlots. Or strumpets. Or hussies. Or floozies. Regardless, as good and upright human beings, your guardian devil knows that Duke students continue this proud tradition to this day-- although the “hanging” of someone has moved on to entirely virtual realms in social media.

In an effort to provide better outreach for you lost souls, your guardian devil feels the need to remind you all of proper Halloween decorum that not only stays true to its intended cultural roots, but also to the hearts of every other Duke student. In fairness though, I must preface this advice by letting you know that because I’m better than you all, I won’t be here for Halloweek. My allergies to basic things like the color orange are acting up and I’ll be taking a week off from school, again, by staying at my family’s house in the Australian outback.

First things first, don’t trick or treat. I get that it's like a cute peasant activity some people do because they don’t want to buy their own candy, but if you think about it, it’s essentially prostitution, which is gross. Someone is paying you, albeit in candy which is perfectly acceptable because you can’t eat dollars, for you showing up dressed in a certain way. I really can’t support this base activity since I’m all about equal rights, because gay marriage is trending up and feminism is cool now.

The only thing you should be giving away during this hallowed time of Halloweek is your own personal self-respect. Our forefathers wouldn’t want it any other way. Your guardian devil highly suggests you show as much skin as possible in your costume without violating any laws or codes of decency. It’s kind of like a fun competition to see who can be the most nasty without totally shattering our delicate cultural norms. “Mean Girls,” besides being the Bible of this generation, was on point in discussing Halloween attire. Ladies, I know that peer pressure is a real thing, but you should probably just get over it. Shake your pumpkin bumpkin.

After all, “Halloween is the one day (or week, if you’re popular) of the year a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” This means that during every other time of year, others have the right to criticize your dress, your clothes, your body or whatever else they want. So, like, be appreciative and do what’s necessary by letting loose this Halloween—while keeping it tight— since your guardian devil can’t change the law. Might I suggest slutty Ebola nurse? Guys, this rule should in fairness apply to you as well, but let’s be real—it just feels weird. No one wants to see you dress like a sexy fireman or a sexy ladybug or a sexy version of something your perverted mind thought of. Unless you’re on either the Ryan Gosling or the Zach Galifianakis end of the male handsomeness spectrum, no one’s going to be paying any attention to you—girls won’t even be paying attention because they’ll be too busy silently judging each other.

The social aspect of Halloween is almost as important as you look. Keep in mind that because this is America, we overinflate everything and cannot keep a relatively useless holiday like Halloween to one day, hence its cultural importance. It’s a Wednesday-to-Saturday thing so I expect that you all will be doing the trifecta— Shooters, Franklin Street and an invite-only party where you will wear the ugliest costume you have. This essentially necessitates you being able to drink copious amounts of alcohol for four days straight. Don’t question; your guardian devil knows this is physically possible—I mean, remember O-week? No? Anyway, if there’s one thing I believe that Duke students can do, it’s this. Thus, you will need to have upwards of five Halloween costumes to wear.

It’s basically kindergarten to know that you can’t be caught in the same costume twice. For girls and guys this is social suicide, and you might as well just stay and increase your body mass index by eating candy corn and watching “Halloweentown.” After all, if you can’t prove via your Facebook photos that you had more fun and looked better than anyone else on your newsfeed, what’s the point of Halloween? It’s essentially the same logic the people of Salem, Massachusetts used when they burned those witches, also known as the people they didn’t like, at the stake. If you actually try or think to dress frightful or scary on Halloween, your guardian devil is out of advice for you because you obviously need more help than I’m paid to provide.

Your guardian devil is in the process of contacting President Obama to rename the month of October, and, like most Duke students, is only really terrified of failure.