People's Republic of Duke

Because I don’t believe in attending class or staying on campus longer than I have to, I decided to extend my fall break by nearly two weeks. In an effort to expand my cultural horizons, I planned to spend my fall break doing what most Duke students (wish they could) do, jet setting off to the closest resort I could find.

Unfortunately, after getting a little too turnt (also known as "blackout") to function at Raleigh-Durham International Airport, I missed my flight to Las Vegas through a series of blurry memories involving several airports, rude immigration officers I can’t remember and a passport that can basically get you everywhere—yeah, I have connections with the United Nations because I’m important—and I somehow ended up—came to—in China.

As you can imagine, I was disappointed, mostly because I have been to Panda Express and did not like the food because I have taste buds. How was I going to enjoy being in real China? Also, remember severe acute respiratory syndrome? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Regardless of how I eventually managed to break in to the People’s Republic, I decided to use this opportunity to bless the Duke Kunshan Campus in its first semester with my amazing advice.

First of all, I’m guessing that no one in the Duke administration has actually been to Kunshan or heard of Google Maps, because it took me an hour to get from Shanghai to Kunshan, meaning that the lauded “minutes to Shanghai” that DKU espouses in its advertising is false.

That’s basically like someone wanting to study abroad in New York City, but living in Philadelphia. And if you’ve ever been to Philadelphia or heard Will from the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" talk, you know that’s a bad thing. Furthermore, even though I love lying, like how I told my parents I would be spending fall break “catching up on work,” I found this egregious lie incredibly offensive because my time is more valuable than that open bar at Homecoming.

Second, the campus architecture leaves much to be desired. I’m a snob about basically everything so I know what I’m talking about when I say that DKU’s campus looks like Penn Pavilion on crack, multiplied. Your guardian devil knows that the only reason a Duke education is worth it is so you can remember your hallowed college days with nostalgia on a Gothic campus. So take it from me when I tell you that DKU is essentially failing harder than most first year students in their midterms. But maybe DKU’s ultra modern architecture mimics Chinese culture, so whatever.

I know that the demand to study abroad with DKU among undergraduates is almost as high as the entire state of Colorado, but let me impart some much-needed advice to your weary minds. Don’t. You can’t even access Facebook there, which makes the whole point of going abroad entirely pointless if you can’t even make it seem like you’re having the most fun.

I’m all for proving you're better than someone else, but as for the University's Napoleon complex (even though Duke in France is apparently a thing) with other schools to establish an international satellite campus, while ours in Durham remains imperfect—mostly because Pinkberry is greater than Red Mango, to be honest—is appalling. As I write this flying first class back to Durham, your guardian devil strongly suggests you all temper that yellow fever by not going to DKU—or Dallas, seriously, why is no one up in arms about the impeding Ebola induced zombie apocalypse a la "World War Z" (but with less running hopefully)? Duke students should be dedicated to the great things they’re doing in Durham—like fake tailgate or shopping at Harris Teeter.