Cut the cord

Salutations children,

I was sitting on the Main Quad a few days ago appreciating the beauty of my iPhone 7—the iPhone 6 is already too basic for me—when something strange happened. No, it was not the lack of half-dressed Duke students playing cornball or whatever faux southern frativity they indulge in near Craven (although, let's be real, we are all glad that part of the year is over.) Here I was, sitting there minding my own business making snide comments about the tour groups, when another one of my so-called friends decided to ruin my day by having a complete and utter mental breakdown.

She—because you know men can’t have mental breakdowns due to sexism or gender norms or whatever—started blubbering about how Duke was “so hard” and she was “so stressed” and “so homesick.” In order to deal with the situation and get back to seeing how many likes my most recent Facebook status got, I told her selfish self to calm down and be grateful that even though she was “homesick,” she wasn’t actually sick with Ebola or anything that could affect my life.

However, after she left, in what seemed to be more tears from when she arrived, I realized that maybe being homesick was a more widespread issue at this school that I, as your guardian devil, could try to better understand. Since I have houses in all 50 US states, Puerto Rico, Guam, Mexico and briefly North Korea, I find it difficult to relate to those who only have “one home that they miss so much.” But because I’m so magnanimous, I’ll try to relate. I get that after almost half a semester of stressful midterms, interviews, assignments, Tinder dates and late-night pizza deliveries, your guardian devil knows there is one thing on your mind—home. So let’s talk about being homesick because you’re all incredibly pathetic.

Like most obnoxious Duke students, I’m from the Northeast because if you have to live in America, it’s the only acceptable place to be from. I’m pretty sure the pilgrims and colonists left Europe—which probably had great nightlife back then too—to move there so it must be pretty great. In particular, I hail from the New York area, which is my ambiguous way of saying “I want to say I’m from New York City, but I actually live in Connecticut/New Jersey/Long Island/etc. and only go in to the city once in a while when getting drunk in my basement, however large it may be, is too much, oh and I think I’m better than you.” If you really want to go home (like for this upcoming fall break), get yourself a JetBlue ticket and go. Being homesick if you’re from these types of places doesn’t merit pity—even though I pity all of you for not being as “with it” like I am—because the flight is only an hour, which is approximately how long it takes to get from Edens to Science Drive.

If you really miss your family that much and you're from somewhere far like California, try to keep life together. In case you didn’t realize that it’s modern day because movies like "Back to the Future" have misled and disappointed you on what 2014 would be like, we have the technology to talk to others far away. In fact, in assuaging homesickness, Skype is better than a real visit because you get the luxury of stopping the conversation whenever it's convenient for you by hanging up and walking away, which is apparently rude in person, but I digress. I totally fail to understand what you would miss about home? Duke has food, amazing living conditions—unless you’re me and are used to really bougie things—a gym and people to listen to you complain about how hard your life is (shout out to the Duke Librarians y’all).

So don’t be weak-minded and keep it together. I usually don’t advocate for tough love because I prefer passive-aggressive manipulation, but get over being homesick. Your parents and friends likely still love you for whatever reasons and you have everything you need here. In an effort to be more self-critical, which my psychiatrist says will help me become an even better person (like that’s possible), I’ll admit that I may not understand exactly what you feel is missing with your life here at Duke. I was raised by a string of nannies from countries who don’t speak English, Ivy League au pairs trying to become my stepmother(s) and, for one summer, Mary Poppins. That’s a lot of people I’ve grown up with, but you don’t see me having a complete mental breakdown about it, so why should you?

Because I’m a normal 18-22 year old, I never feel homesick so while you all deal with your emotions this upcoming Fall Break, I plan on going on a personal “Eat, Pray, Love” vacation, without the praying or the love. As your guardian devil, if you’re feeling homesick, I truly hope you cut the cord because I’m pretty sure this overall depressive attitude is going to further reduce our U.S. News and World Report rankings.