Confessions of an ex-perfectionist

There is a stereotype that Asians are very driven and their parents even more so. From personal experiences, this has, to some extent, been the case. I never felt this pressure from my family, but the strong need to compete was something I always felt from my Asian community.

Growing up, I felt the need to perform well, particularly in my academics. I remember obsessing over my grades throughout middle school and the beginning of my high school years. I would beat myself up over mistakes on exams, to the point where my friends expected to hear my complaints if I made anything less than a perfect score.

Obviously, my grades were not constant throughout high school. Consequently, I found myself on an emotional roller coaster in which my mood would depend on how well I was doing in school. Unfortunately, some of my highest highs and my lowest lows during those years involved grades.

I hit rock bottom my sophomore year of high school after I attempted to cheat on a quiz. I was unsuccessful, but the attempt made me realize that I had become obsessed with academic success. I made the decision out of frustration over the structure of one of my classes. I justified the decision by convincing myself that I was only rectifying a wrong. Of course, my conscience was not convinced.

Since my childhood, my community had always told me that my future depended on my success in school. Although to some this may seem like motivation, even encouragement, to excel in academia, through my experiences, that mindset drastically affected my mentality of learning. In my mind, any less than a perfect grade that I received was a crack in my future until eventually all those cracks would accumulate to completely shatter my dreams.

I actually was in somewhat of a state of depression after my incident with the quiz—not because the teacher found out, but because of the shame of who I had allowed myself to become. Months later, I eventually confessed to the teacher, who graciously encouraged me instead of reprimanding me for my actions. She reaffirmed my identity and revived in me confidence of my own ability. Her kindness was elemental in my journey of breaking free of perfectionism.

Perfectionism is not inherently bad. However, perfectionism does tend to emphasize the end product rather than the journey. I have run marathons since my senior year of high school. The perfectionist in me says that if I just continue running, I will soon reach the end with all the pictures and medals that I can later brag to others about. In reality, when I run with that end goal in mind, I struggle through the process—the run is tortuously long and the end inconceivably far. I have found that when I enjoy the journey, the end comes much quicker and the process is more enjoyable. At the end, the finish only lasts for some brief minutes—it is the journey that takes the most time.

At Duke we often judge our performance based on our grades. We allow our performance to dictate who we are. I oftentimes have found myself feeling exceptionally brilliant if I performed well on an exam and remarkably dumb if I did not. Up until last fall, I was still struggling with the emotional roller coaster of grades. I thought, if I work just a little bit harder, I will achieve this grade, and then I will be content. In reality, when we allow our performance to dictate our identities, we become emotionally unstable.