Under my skin

Vulnerability. It’s a term overused but under practiced. Ever since we can remember, we’ve been taught to be on our best behavior in public. We feel societal pressure to avoid certain questions in conversation. We cautiously navigate the line between being “real” and vulnerable–we want to be authentic but not too authentic to show weakness. Duke is a school where our shared experiences are limited to our time on campus. Unfortunately, this means that we have plenty of productive friendships in which we do things together, but deep friendships in which we are fully known are scarce.

Two weekends ago, I flew back to Waco, Texas, for a conference. The weather was so warm then, so I dressed in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt, forgetting that planes are air-conditioned. As I sat on the plane furiously shivering and attempting to sleep to forget the cold, I saw out of the corner of my eye the man next to me taking off his jacket. “It’s so cold, why is he taking off his jacket?” I wondered. Then he began emptying his jacket pockets. Interesting, I thought. As I glanced over one last time before trying again to fall asleep, he looked back at me and offered me his jacket.

This man’s actions appear insignificant, but under the warmth of his jacket, I was absolutely stunned. I could not remember the last time a stranger offered me something on his own initiative. I don’t know if anyone is like me, but when I sit anywhere in close proximity with a stranger, like on a plane, I feel pressured to look straight ahead and not make eye contact. I feel as if I am intruding on someone’s privacy if I do. This man, however, looked at me long enough to see a need and was bold enough to meet this need.

As friendly as Americans are, our walls can be extremely high. I have known people for months, even lived with them, but in retrospect I never really knew them. Many people I consider friends–we sit together in class, attend social events together–but I could not tell you a meaningful fact about their lives. We Duke students are professionals at staying busy, but how often do we sit down and simply get to know our friends?

The stranger on the plane went to the lengths of taking off his jacket, emptying it and offering it to me at the risk of possible rejection. It takes vulnerability to offer someone a piece of oneself at the risk of being rejected. It also takes vulnerability to receive help when we need it. I could have rejected his offer and would have been miserable the rest of the flight. Sometimes, we just need to realize that the reason we are surrounded by people is because we were never meant to figure out life on our own.

People are three-dimensional. There are some Duke students right now who are struggling emotionally, socially or spiritually, but we’ll never know it unless we make the effort. Surface-level and skin-deep friendships are fun in the moment, but we need to get under people’s skins if we want to make life-long comrades. It’s a beautiful, painful, worthwhile journey. As for me, I’ve committed to myself that for the rest of my time at Duke, I will know the people around me. I will know when my friends experience depression, loneliness, fear and I will walk with them in the process. I invite you all on this journey with me. Let’s run Counseling and Psychological Services out of business with the way we support our fellow classmates on this campus.

Thao Nguyen is a Trinity junior. Her column runs every other Tuesday.