What’s good, freaks and geeks?
This past week’s cooler temperatures indicate that Durham’s annual direct transition from summer into winter has begun—ain’t nobody got time for fall. To Duke students, this means one of two things—that basic betches are pulling out their UGGs, North Faces and Pinterest-inspired messy buns, and that midterms are upon us.
Midterms, for those of you humanities majors who wouldn’t know, are incredibly important because you basically have to prove that you’re not worthless and actually learned something during your first month of school. This is particularly challenging for students in large lectures because taking notes is an archaic skill, like showing up to class or being on time. I mean, seriously, with the advent of the Internet, why would I need to take notes for my economics exam when I could just as easily stream “The Wolf of Wall Street” online?
From what I’ve gathered by conversing (read—begrudgingly communicating) with Duke students and reading an onslaught of sexually/academically frustrated Yik Yaks is that every exam taken at this University is basically a life or death experience that will almost exclusively determine whether one gets into medical school/law school/business school/consulting/investment banking/etc. These are virtually the only acceptable career choices for a Duke student because they all require stellar performances on literally anything you’ve ever done ever.
To be perfectly candid, these petty concerns about “success” and “GPA” do not bother your guardian devil. Mommy and Daddy said that if I behaved and didn’t spend all of my allowance at the Alcoholic Beverage Control store, they would get me a job at Goldman Sachs, which is stupid on their part because I recently got Venmo, so they’ll never see where my money actually goes.
However, despite my truly blessed lifestyle, your guardian devil is like most Duke students and, thus, tries—jokes—to take academics very seriously. So seriously that I actually spent the past weekend doing what most Duke students do—Facebooking for several hours while complaining about how busy I am and then subsequently complaining more about how little time I had to study.
It seems that most Duke students know the best way to study—stay up several nights in a row, cram, ask for help from the smartest guy/girl in your class in return for friendship, food or sexual favors and repeat until your hell week is over.
You suck, however, at complaining. And because your guardian devil is truly magnanimous/wants to garner enough influence to rule this school/become Young Trustee (they get another trust fund, right?), I’ve decided to use my vast experience in the complaining arts to teach you all how to complain better.
First of all, self-deprecation is key. You would be wise to make fun of yourself so that people feel bad for how much work you have, but also start liking you as a person. Acceptable ways to do this include Facebook statuses and/or tweets making a mockery of your study habits or lack of expertise in a subject area. I don’t personally do this because I’m perfect.
Second, forget about personal health. Personal hygiene implies you have extra time and if you have extra time, you should be studying, not bathing. I was under the impression that you all had tiger mothers growing up, but I guess not because more than half of you look decently put together. In order to actually complain how hard your life is during this season, turn your first world problems into third world realities and stop bathing/combing/shaving/eating. Put down that salad and pick up some french fries. Have you ever felt about for someone who looked good? No. Have you ever pitied someone who looked like a dirty version of Zach Galifianakis? Consistently. Besides, pity can be capitalized to get someone to hook up with you. It works on me all the time and I’m so cold-hearted that I once—more like several times—stole candy from children trick-or-treating on account of my insatiable craving for Reese’s Cups.
Third, one-up everyone. “Oh, I’m sorry, you have three midterms this week? Well I have six midterms, four papers, 3 group projects, a part-time job and it’s my birthday tomorrow!” Everyone knows that the more things you have to do/make yourself do, the smarter you are and the more self-worth you have. You might as well lie about how busy you are, even if you’re actually handling midterms well this season. You should have enough practice at this because I’m assuming that even in high school you were one of the little freaks running around going “I only got two hours of sleep last night!!!” while you managed 500 clubs and aced your SAT.
Essentially, not appearing busy enough is a fatal mistake because busyness implies that you’re challenging yourself—you wouldn’t want your “friends” to think you’re lazy, would you? The only way to get any respect around here is to either be brilliant or be a total basket case of stress and neuroticism. Choose wisely. If either of those options sounds unappealing, I recommend Adderall. Getting stuff done sans messing with your brain chemistry is an awful way to study for neuroscience. Besides, if you’re using coffee to stay awake, you can use Adderall to focus—same concept, and all the Adderall dealers I know are friendlier than the staff at Saladelia.
I’m not confident that you’ll all do well on your midterms, mostly because that’s statistically impossible—some of you will have to fail. However, armed with advice, you’ll probably complain the best, which means other plebeians will think you’re working the hardest and your mental breakdowns will be the most publicized (no publicity is bad publicity!). If you suck at complaining, visit the Academic Resource Center. I think they do your homework for you and help you craft Short-Term Illness Notification forms should you need one.
Your guardian devil remains stress free during these very trying times due to excessive massage therapy and a lack of a much needed reality check.
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