Bonjour mes amis,
I was recently scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, which takes about 10 hours because I have so many Facebook friends, and I was appalled by what I saw. Normally at this time of year my newsfeed is full of photo albums containing Chapel selfies, weirdly-themed parties, fake smiles at football games and depressing pictures of students inside Perkins (or outside Perkins, which is now equally depressing). Alas, I was shocked to find that the majority of my online friends were abroad based on their pictures of ancient cathedrals, non-Au Bon Pain baguettes and discotheques that make Shooters look like a homeless shelter.
Usually, I wouldn’t care that most of the people I actually have the energy to say hi to all decided to leave the United States in mass exodus. Even though I couldn’t care less what you basics are doing abroad, it was pretty inconsiderate for you to leave because I now have to spend a disproportionate amount of time being around underclassmen—their general incompetence makes me nauseous.
So why is it that so many members of the junior class went abroad? Let me explain. And if you’re abroad while reading this right now, shame on you. Shouldn’t you be immersed in something--preferably a tub of boiling hot water?
Like all things that don’t make sense at this school, it is the Duke administration’s fault why so many of our precious young future 1 percent-ers feel the need to GTFO of the United States as if they’re seeking asylum or something. I don’t remember my pre-college days, not because I was like an alcoholic or something, but because my fancy shmancy expensive boarding school kept us in incubators until we were ready to be worth something. However, as a p-frosh or a high school student, you should remember the onslaught of information that the Duke Global Education Office provided. “WHO RUN THE WORLD? DUKE,” “NO GERMAN? NO PROBLEM! WE WANT YOUR MONEY ANYWAY,” “LITERALLY BECOME SPANISH AFTER ONE SEMESTER” and “YOU'LL BECOME SO CULTURALLY COMPETENT AND THEN WE WILL BOMBARD YOU WITH EMAILS TILL THE DAY YOU DIE” are just a few of the things that the higher-ups basically ingrain into anyone remotely interested in Duke. Combine this with the fact that Housing, Dining and Residence Life literally cannot accommodate an entire junior class on campus, despite a three-years-on-campus requirement, it becomes obvious that Duke is basically sending subliminal messages that you all need to get on the first flight available overseas.
From my understanding, the rationale behind the university’s support of study abroad programs is that Duke also secretly agrees with the student sentiment that Durham is awful and time spent here should be minimized. This is a totally valid reason for supporting this and going abroad. You have 8 semesters with Duke in Durham, which are 7 semesters too many because there’s absolutely nothing to do in the area, unless you like restaurants, bars, nature or Chapel Hill. You’ve come here for a world-class education--if you don’t go abroad, you’re failing.
Duke students seem to have different motivations for going abroad. You could be one of those weirdos who are abroad in some country where the exchange rate means that the American dollar can basically buy you an army of child soldiers. I mean, I don’t know what you could possibly learn by going to underdeveloped countries like Brazil, China or Africa. What languages do they speak? I haven’t heard anything about their nightlife. I’m sure those countries have a lot of history or something, but based on my education these histories are probably not important because I’ve learned about the American Revolution about 43 times, but the Indian Independence Movement less than once.
So, if you’re even halfway intelligent, you are in Europe actually getting an education. These are the students who have picked a lucky European country to anchor them as they begin their own booze-filled eurotrip. It doesn’t matter if your program, Duke-affiliated or not, is in Spain, Italy, France, Germany or the U.K. You’re going abroad to see as many places as you can in one semester (read: to get drunk near as many monuments you don’t care about). Besides, based on sheer numbers, it seems like attending Oktoberfest is more of a graduation requirement than a senior thesis or having sex in Duke Gardens.
Studying abroad in Europe gives you the chance to actually learn the language of your host country (learning Mandarin would have been totally out of the question). The Facebook albums of most Duke students have pictures of only other Duke students, which I presume means that in between going to nightclubs, eating nutella and being massively homesick/hungover half the time, you weren’t able to become fluent and your "español no es muy bueno." This is why going to the UK is so great for your cultural enhancement—no one expects anything except for massive personal debt and a picture with Big Ben. Honestly, even though Australia is irrelevant (like who cares about the kangaroos?), it is probably the best study abroad destination. It’s just like the United States, but the people are hotter.
Studying abroad is important because it basically gives you the opportunity to screw your academics for a semester under the guise of immersion, which is essentially what the international students do here in Durham all the time. Remember, there’s one way to have a “truly life-changing experience,” and that’s by leaving Duke.
Your guardian devil only flies private jets, has been banned from Switzerland and can Google translate at least four languages.
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