After several failed attempts this weekend to up my swag and become this campus’s second “Karen Owen,” I have realized that the problem isn’t me, it’s you...and the fact that Duke athletes aren’t as fun as they used to be. Everyone knows that the only true sign of a successful night out is waking up the next day and being able to say, “I woke up like this” completely ironically and flawlessly.

The lack of social regret on this campus appalls me, so I have taken these concerns to my cold, black, unloving shriveled heart. More important than increasing destructive decisions on campus, I need to constantly fool my high school friends going to schools not on the first page of U.S. News and World Report that I’m, "like," really smart and really fun. So, unless you were one of the kids getting EMS-ed this past week, you’re not doing your part to make this school a better place.

Duke’s battle cry is "Eruditio et Religio." Although I never took Latin because the Vatican is terrifying, it must stand for “everybody is raging.” And this is a motto that has been seriously lacking at this institution over the past few years—we need more people triple majoring with a certificate in first-world problems.

Duke itself is in part to blame for how lame everyone is nowadays. I must have been either a war criminal or investment banker in my past life because I had the incredible misfortune of attending one of Duke’s sponsored concerts this last week—an experience as painful as eating at Penn Pavilion. Listening to "Dying in the Trees" (or whatever the hillbillies who played in Duke Gardens are called) reminded me why I have chosen to sell my soul to the Top 40—having someone else tell me what music is good is much less stressful than having to figure it out myself. If I didn’t have a good time listening to folk music, it definitely means that the experience couldn’t possibly have been fun for anyone else.

For the average Dukie, it’s probably not obvious what I’m trying to imply here in this article so I’ll just say it—Duke’s social scene is centered on drinking obscene amounts of hilariously bad alcohol and hooking up with performers. That’s our culture and anyone who tries to change it needs to check themselves before they wreck themselves. Alternative stuff like concerts where people aren’t drinking themselves straight into AA is just too innovative, hipster and un-American.

If we want Duke to be a place where we can pretend we’re super cool, we need to thank God and our forefathers for sororities and fraternities, who, as far as I'm concerned, provide the only acceptable social outlet on this campus. Without these bright young men wearing even brighter shorts, your guardian devil would be unable to get a share of true ambrosia—also known as “Keystone.” It doesn’t really matter if you’re into Alpha Sigma Sigma or Kappa Kappa Omega or Sigma Epsilon Iota, the point is frats have the best parties because being crammed into a sweaty house/section with 100 of your closest friends, with an expectedly inappropriate theme, is just what your parents hope you’re doing when you lie that you’re going to bed early.

Even though I’m pretty sure all sororities do is wear T-shirts and make Facebook events for helping blind children run a 5K, Greek Life is still the hottest thing on campus, next to me, of course—Delta Delta Don’t eff with it. I don’t have to prove my point any further because if you choose to disagree with me, I can choose to let you know that you’re dumb.

And don't even get me started on selective living groups. I’m not even sure what they are, to be honest, but they are probably terrible because co-ed things, like most Duke classes or riding the C1, suck.

I highly encourage you to use this information and give up on exploring other avenues for stimulation or entertainment during your time at Duke—unless you’re boring, then you could probably use more nights in.

Your guardian devil loves throwing shade at pale people and tweeting at B-list celebrities.