Confidence is a superpower

Let’s face it, you're having mediocre sex. Your mind is flooded with anxious thoughts because last time he couldn't get it up, and she’s self-conscious and can’t relax and the time before that he lasted as long as a box of Oreos and she lasted as long as a game of Monopoly. Or even worse—she or he is just not that into you.

Confidence is perhaps the most important factor of good sex and dating. And I'm going to be honest—the girls at Duke are doing a better job of it. There are some super confident women on this campus and a lot of them aren't having any trouble with dating. But let's be honest, being in high demand doesn't necessarily mean you're having great sex.

Indiana University's National Survey Of Sexual Health And Behavior indicates that 36.5 percent of women ages 18-24 have not masturbated in the past year. I'm hard pressed to think of a guy I know who doesn't do it at least once a week. Now try to answer this question for me—why aren't women masturbating?

According to sexologists, it's a social issue. We don't talk about female masturbation, yet male masturbation is completely engrained in our culture. To most people, masturbation is just "that thing teenage boys do."

We talk about it all the time. Flip through 10 television channels and you'll find a show that's cracking jokes about it. Take "Orange is the New Black," for example. There's an entire episode devoted to the minutiae of Larry’s technique for jacking off while Piper is in jail, yet the idea doesn't seem to pass Piper's mind. In fact, prison sex seems to come to mind before she even thinks about masturbation.

It's no mystery then that guys tend to have less trouble orgasming...they've had a lot more practice. So girls, how can we fix this?

1. Masturbate more. Masturbating gives you a better understanding of how everything works down there, allowing you to tell your partner what works and what doesn't. It also makes you more comfortable with your body's reactions to physical pleasure.

2. Deep breathing. They say the brain is the most powerful sexual organ, and that's especially true for women. Deep breathing and relaxation before sex helps strengthen the mind-body connection and allows you to get in the right mindset. If you're thinking about work and school, chances are it's not going to happen.

There's nothing wrong with you. There's an endless combination of variables that could be affecting your sexual performance, but here are the most common ones.

1. You're stressed. This one has to do with the nature of male masturbation. It acts as a release more than an indulgence. You did it when you were a teenager because you weren't having sex and that testosterone surging through your body needed an outlet. You've created a mental connection between sex and masturbation and you need to undo it.

2. You're nervous. You messed up last time. You have to rebuild your confidence. Be mindful. Take a deep breath and stop psyching yourself out. Focus on your partner. Distract yourself. Sing a song to yourself in your head. You're focusing too much on the end result.

3. You haven't been educated. Your partner thinks you know what to do because you're a guy, you watch porn right? Meanwhile you're like, "What even is a clitoris?"

Borrow an anatomy textbook from your pre-med friend.

4. You work out every muscle at the gym, except your Pubococcygeus muscle. I know, it's a mouthful. Just like any other muscle, your "PC" muscle can be strengthened. How? Kegel exercises. It's the same muscle you use to stop the flow of urine. Just flex it for three sets of 12 reps every other day. Get swole breh!

Above all, and this goes for both sexes, is self-esteem. We're taught to be so embarrassed about our bodies, it's no wonder we're so afraid of showing them. Believing in yourself will change your life. If you act with confidence, you can pretty much get away with anything that's not punishable by law.

This summer I had a few friends out to my house in Long Island for July fourth weekend. One of my friends—we'll call her Jenny—had not previously met most of the other guests. She had told me about her social anxiety before, but I never knew how bad it really was. She sat in the corner, watching and wishing, until a friend and I rescued her. "What's wrong, Jenny?" we asked.

"I just don't really know how to talk to people because I think they'll think I'm weird," she replied. She needed more self-esteem. If she didn't believe that she was worth having a conversation with, why would anyone else think so? "But I can't just go up to a random person and say hi," she argued. I made her do just that. She shook like a wet dog the whole time. She was embarrassed. "See?" she said. "It didn't work."

"Max," said my friend Carla, "You have to show her how it's done."

I remembered something I had seen in a play, where the character with the most self-esteem walked on stage in nothing but his underwear and sneakers. I took off my shirt and I pulled down my pants, revealing the Superman undies I had completely forgotten I was wearing. Perfect. Jenny began laughing. She followed me into the other room and watched as I sat down on a friend's lap, exposing an exceptional amount of pale white thigh. Everyone laughed. We took pictures. They're the best pictures from that weekend. I was almost naked, I didn’t die and I had a great time. Jenny was finally convinced.

It’s that fear of being open with our bodies and our sexuality that makes it so difficult for many of us to have sex. It's so important to step out of your comfort zone. Embarrass yourself every once in a while and you’ll start to realize there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Step out on a limb and maybe you’ll meet your next partner instead of exchanging glances and then pretending there’s something more interesting on your phone. Imagine everyone else is in their underwear and then realize you’re actually in your own.

Send questions or comments to comesearly@dukechronicle.com. Max Tabet is a Trinity junior and vice president of Alternative Sexualities at Duke University.