Live today or live tomorrow?

My fall break abroad was one of the most surreal weeks of my life. It began last Friday with a train ride down to the south of France to see my half-sisters and their children. My sisters grew up by the beach in a small town called St. Cyr, where life moves at a different pace. People live in the context of a different narrative. As far as I can tell, the phrases of “What do you want to do with your life?” and “I want to be successful” don’t hold much meaning. The people of this small town live very much in the present. Shops often close early and everything is closed on Sundays. Family time and rest come first, then comes the customer.

My sister lent me her car for the weekend while I was there, so Saturday morning I made my way over to the neighboring beach town of Bandol. After two months of walking and using the metro in Paris, I was happy to be behind the wheel like the true suburban American I am. I made my way over to a small beach and lay down on the warm sand; everything felt unreal. Here I was, the last week of October, 75-degree weather, lying on a beach in the south of France. I couldn’t imagine being anywhere more perfect on that morning.

The rest of my week proceeded similarly. I left France on Tuesday and headed to Florence. It ended up being a 12-hour trip, but I can’t complain about a train ride through France and Italy surrounded by snow-covered mountains and quaint towns. Italy was awesome. At any given moment, I found myself surrounded by beautiful buildings, beautiful landscapes, or both. To top it all off, I could find no complaints with a diet of pizza, pasta and gelato. Above all else, though, the week away from work and technology did me a lot of good.

The stress associated with our work-culture is often overwhelming. I know the topic is a bit trite, but the fact is that people actually are constantly stressed. This past summer I went on DukeEngage’s program in Jodhpur, India. I often found myself in the bedroom of my homestay, reading a book on consulting while my host brothers and sisters watched TV downstairs. During lulls in work at our NGO, a fellow Dukie and I couldn’t help but talk about what we wanted to do the following summer. That same vicious cycle continues here in Paris. As a PubPol major, I’ll probably fulfill my internship requirement this coming summer. Here I am, in Paris, walking around with my iPhone (gotta stay connected 24/7), reading e-mails about the things I need to do now to stay on track for an internship next summer.

Paris, India and my two years at Duke have been awesome. A part of me, however, always resents feeling as though I can never commit 100 percent to the present. I went to India to fully immerse myself in India. The same holds true for France. But nowadays, you feel like you’ll be left behind if you don’t stay connected and continuously prepare for what’s next. I know it is an asset to know how to plan ahead, to have goals. Even so, I feel like there comes a point at which this process of continuously looking toward the next phase makes you forget how badly you wanted the present. I wish it were enough to be an American studying in France, but being caught up in this world of the future, of internships, programs and applications, I feel like I can’t. I’m too scared to put off the future and fully soak in this present, this present that 8 months ago was the future I wanted so badly.

I feel that a solution to this problem is not yet clear. Maybe it has to start on a personal level. Maybe it takes having the guts to do what you want and how you want it instead of succumbing to the pressure of “keeping up” with those around you. I have a feeling that I’m not alone, that some of the people I’m trying to keep up with feel the same way. They’re tired of it, too, and often find themselves wondering why they’re doing what they’re doing. Why was I reading a consulting book over the summer instead of hanging out with my eagerly anticipated host family?

All in all, I was appreciative of a week away from my e-mails and planning for the future, and for the remainder of my time here I plan on doing my best to truly enjoy Paris. I’m not brave enough just yet to ignore internship applications for the next two months, but even so I can’t help but wonder if things might be better just focusing on today’s homework or just listening intently to a lecture instead of trying to maximize efficiency and spend class time Googling internships. There’s no easy answer, but I hope I can strike a balance before I find myself behind a desk at “the internship of my dreams” and realize that I have become so used to looking forward that I never even looked around.

Philip Doerr is a Trinity junior and is currently studying abroad in Paris, France. His column runs every other Thursday.