Good evening, I’m Dr. Brainchops. I’m the head psychological counselor and overseer of patient confidentiality at CAPS. Saturday, a freshman named Devin came into our office behaving like a total weirdo. He spewed out a constant stream of horrid puns and misogynistic comments. He was even making rape jokes, which, as we all know, haven’t been funny for over a week now. I haven’t gotten his test results back yet, but all his symptoms lead me to believe that Devin is possessed by the Devil: red eyes, excessive cursing, 80 percent name-spelling congruity, being in Pi Kapp, etc...
Our staff is still waiting on the lab reports, so I’ve got Devin held in one of our cages out back for the time being. Rest assured, all of our counselors and receptionists are toiling day and night to give Devin the treatment he needs, especially if that means poking him with a stick until we arbitrarily decide it’s time to put him down. Since I’m occupied with overseeing the treatment of this special patient, I have to cancel all my appointments. I’ve written this memo to all my scheduled patients. It outlines the problems you’ve confessed to me during our last session, followed by recommendations I would’ve given you had we met in person today. I’ve chosen to have it published in The Chronicle as that seemed much easier than emailing you all individually.
“I’ve got too much work!”—Justin Dustax, Pratt ’14
Students here harp on this one all the time, but don’t feel helpless; the good news is you have plenty of options. Have you considered getting worse grades? It works remarkably well for many students here. If that seems unacceptable, then I’d recommend you just throw in the towel and let me give you a lobotomy. They make life much simpler, and thanks to some recent breakthroughs at the Duke Neuroscience Center, lobos are now safer than ever.
“I’m overstimulated. There are too many things to do here!”—Kenny Duitál, Trinity ’15
Take a deep breath. Now close your eyes. Acknowledge that you can’t do everything at once. You’re going to have to miss out on some of the things you want to do in college. But that’s okay, establishing priorities is part of growing up. Now open your eyes, get on Facebook and click around aimlessly for a couple hours. You can fullscreen pictures now, so you don’t have to worry about getting distracted any more.
“College flew by. I just can’t believe it. Where did the last four years go?”—Tori Memberztuffstuff, Pratt ’12
No one else seems to share this sentiment. People generally agree college seems like it takes forever. You should look into the possibility that you may be a weirdo. We can run some tests: Did you like “The Tree of Life”? Whether you said yes or no, knowing enough about the movie to have an opinion means you’re definitely a weirdo. You might be a good candidate for a lobo.
“I want a cat but don’t want to have to live in the cat-zone on Central.”—Matilda Westingswurth, Trinity ’13
Who’s stopping you? It’s not like Duke has room inspectors going around searching for kittens. Hell, get a cat and a dog. See if you can breed them. I’ve always imagined they’d birth a superpet if someone could just convince them to overcome their pride and finally give this thing a shot.
“I think I’ve been drinking a lot lately.”—Aubrey Graham, Trinity ’13
Are you drunk right now? I’m just saying you could do better.
“My roommate always gets in the way of me masturbating.”—Rick Thrillson, Pratt ’15
First off, you sound like a pirate. Next time, try swapping out that gerund and saying “my masturbating” to speak English more like a landlubber. To be more of a handlubber, try your dorm’s guest bathrooms. They lock.
“The weather is so nice, I just can’t find the motivation to stay in and work right now!”—Becky Trobblescotch, Trinity ’15
Yes, I’ve seen this one before. No cure for it. Nope. Always a chronic condition. Come into our office next week and we’ll fix you up with a lobo or two. (cough) Weirdo.
“I think I’m addicted to the gif caption blog #Whatshouldwecallme … or whatever has replaced it by the time you need to quote me in The Chronicle.”—Sharon Toumuch Onyawall, Trinity ’12
Whenever I hear people claim they’re “addicted” to something stupid: <IMG=“PsyduckGrabbingHisHeadAndYellingPsyYYyYY!.gif”> “I find most things I encounter wildly offensive.”—Virginia Prollygesdit, Trinity ’13
Ahh, this affliction is even more common at Duke than awareness posters with shallow depths of field. I’d recommend venting on the Internet or writing a letter to The Chronicle. This will make you feel better and actually accomplish something (like you’ll get laughed at on Buzzfeed). As an absolute last resort, you might consider chilling the f**k out.
I’ll see you all next week.
—Dr. Brainchops
Dr. Brainchops raps: “Now she taking photos, they already know though. Who needs their brain’s front? That’s the motto, get a LOBO.”
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