The fifth columnist

Well, the jig is up. As reported by the Associated Press, NYPD and others have finally figured out the real threat that Muslims in America pose to our society. Some of their activities have included monitoring Muslim student associations at various schools in the Northeast, including Yale and Rutgers, as well as compiling a “demographics report” of Muslim-owned businesses—from bookstores to cafes to laundromats—in Newark, N.J. And since the NYPD’s jurisdiction now apparently covers my home state of New Jersey, it is inevitable that I have a file somewhere with the NYPD, if not also with some other agencies. If that’s the case, I may as well fess up to my nefarious plots and save whoever is monitoring me any further trouble.

Everyone knows the best way to establish a worldwide caliphate is by writing mediocre columns in a college newspaper. I usually tell people that I started writing a column in order to engage with current events, offer my own opinion on issues and improve my writing skills. Of course, these are all lies. My plan is that by year’s end this rag will change its name to the Duke Quranical. With the power of the fourth estate, I plan to indoctrinate the entire Duke community toward a slow destruction of American society. My observant readers may have already noticed a secret code for my co-conspirators in my columns…. (No, it’s not the fart jokes.)

Muslims have already infiltrated your beloved Duke Basketball. For example, the name Cameron is actually a compound of two Arabic words: “qamr” and “‘on,” which roughly translates to “aid the moon”—a reference to supporting the crescent moon, metonymy for Islamic empire. Even our top basketball recruits have Muslim-sounding names (just like America’s president). Duke fans should also note that it’s no coincidence that in recent years Coach K has become more lenient with facial hair on the court. He hasn’t shirked his commitment to creating clean-cut student-athletes; he’s just a secret Muslim.

It’s not just Our House that has been undermined. Duke has its very own sleeper cell on campus: the Center for Muslim Life. Any claims that its proximity to the Freeman Center encourages interfaith dialogue and collaboration are pure and utter nonsense. Any fool can see that this was a tactical decision. When one visits the Center for Muslim Life, one witnesses people of many faiths, nationalities and races joyfully interacting. They might be studying for an orgo exam, playing Mario Kart or arguing about which off-campus vendor they should order food from. If you’re lucky, you might even see some students praying or reading the Quran. Don’t be fooled into thinking these are ordinary college students using a valuable resource on campus; this is really just an elaborate training ground for terrorist activities.

You should be most afraid of Muslims who are activists. Some Muslims may want you to think that their faith gives them a sense of compassion and sensitivity toward social justice. This is a lie. Muslims aren’t motivated by concerns for human rights or self-determination or fighting oppression. Rather, all of their political stances and actions are based on hatred and a predisposition toward violence.

The most important thing to remember is that once someone can be identified as a Muslim, this is all you need to know about that person. It doesn’t matter if the individual doesn’t associate strongly with the faith or has their own idiosyncratic view of the world. All Muslims are wholly motivated by a single and monolithic ethos that is a danger to the fabric of American society.

Given the obvious threat that I and other Muslims pose, I must commend the NYPD as well as our federal government for their surveillance techniques of Muslims and especially of Muslim students. But I should also remind readers that this isn’t merely a Muslim issue. Racial, ethnic and religious profiling are nothing new to law enforcement, thankfully so. Profiling should make you feel safe and secure. If you’re an ethnic minority, then you just have to deal with the minor inconvenience that your government thinks you’re a potential threat to society based solely on the color of your skin or the faith you subscribe to.

We should welcome any infringement on our civil liberties as effective counterterrorism. After all, people around the world hate us for our freedoms—not some nonsense like military interventions or drone attacks or propping up of dictators or torture or exploitation of natural resources or massacres of civilians—so the best strategy toward our security and preservation of our freedoms is to limit everyone’s freedoms as much as possible. A true patriot would accept this and never bother criticizing the country he loves.