Why I'm going to be a consultant instead

Yeah, I know. I have an interview with the Boston Consulting Group next week. I didn’t think it was going to work out, but Daddy pulled some strings so I could get the preferential treatment I deserve. I used to believe in systematic oppression, but my newfound success in the consulting field has shown me that in America, you can be whatever you want to be, as long as you work hard. Now that’s something to be thankful for.

I’m sorry about my change in career path, Loyal Citizens. I know you’re disappointed; after all, I was the last one of my friends who didn’t have a job next year. We all walked into Duke with a Global education and a Concerned mindset, but I was the only one left who still took my resume to the Nonprofit and Government Career Fair, even though the government doesn’t help people either, so it was pretty pointless of me. But clearly, I’ve been doing something moral. So why the change now? Before you judge me too much, I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about this for at least a week, so I’ve put a lot of thought into it.

It started with Turkeys for Turkey. As it turns out, Thanksgiving is an American-only holiday (which has got to be racist; I just can’t figure out how), so I had to switch to providing general aid to earthquake victims—which doesn’t have the same ring to it. I guess if I were handing out oatmeal, it could be Quaker for Quakees? Those would be such cute T-shirts! Anyway, I realized for the first time that it was my family’s vast personal wealth that allowed me to bring so much good to the world. Who needs a nongovernmental organization when your dad has his own charter jet?

This was a huge epiphany. I’ve always thought of money as a representation of everything evil in the world. I’ve noticed that supporters of the status quo, of every hegemony imaginable, tend to have a lot of money. So I equated money and general evildoing. But that was super simplistic. Having money doesn’t make you a bad person! It’s when you do bad things with your money that you become bad. I mean, look at my family. Daddy hasn’t been indicted for anything yet, so I know his business is all on the up-and-up. And we give to lots of charities, so even though Daddy had to lay off a couple hundred workers to preserve his salary, at least they have good reading material.

It’s almost as if having more money helps you do even more good. That’s how I know I can’t work for a NGO. A lot of my friends who have way worse judgment than me are choosing careers that will make them good salaries, but I know they’re going to spend it on things like oil-guzzling private jets and bankrupting the 99 percent even more. I need to make money, too, to make up for their selfishness. You see, I’m totally not doing this for myself. I’ll still be saving the world; I’ll just be way more effective at it because I’ll have more resources. I’ll make sure to use my expense account to only buy local, organic food and MY charter jet will offset its carbon. I’ll even buy some city parks and make them official corporate-sponsored protest spaces. Don’t worry, Occupiers; my personal fortune will save you!

There are a lot of ways consulting will help me in my mission to save the world and feed poor people everywhere. First of all, consulting will help me hone important survival skills, like PowerPoint presentations. How am I going to get big businesses to change their evildoing ways if I can’t make a convincing PowerPoint? I’ll also get access to people who only want to make money for themselves, and I just know I’ll be able to convince them to think Globally instead. After all, Duke culture has already changed so much since I’ve been here; now everyone thinks twice before saying something, just in case it might be offensive, and even the most hardened consumerists are willing to buy charity T-shirts for a good cause. They’re even distributing their wealth to the lower classes by going into Durham more, allowing them to be relieved of their money at gunpoint by people who really need it. If we can convince Duke students, who are the worst of the worst, to be better citizens, it should be easy to take on big business!

I may be entering into the same field as fratstars and sorostunpaidsexworkers, but my reasons are way more enlightened than everybody else’s, as usual. And my experience in Africa and interning for NGOs won’t go to waste; it looks great on resumes, especially when I head them with my African name. I’ll definitely keep supporting developing countries the way I always have; I’ll use all my vacation time for ecotourism. See? I couldn’t save Africa with eco-friendly safaris if I was poor, could I?

Concerned Global Citizen bought a $1,500 suit, but it was hand-sewn by two Princeton grads in New York and they send half the proceeds to charity, so it’s all good.