Editor’s note: The following column was received at 11:59 p.m. Sunday night. We had no choice but to run it. We apologize. Really.
Uhhhhhh. OK. I got this. Hello, class. Or, no, I don’t like that language. I don’t want you to think that I’m speaking down to you from my position of privilege or anything like that. That’s, like, SO 2010. Let’s try again. Hello, students. Welcome to your final session with me, a Global model Citizen. I mean, a model Global Citizen. I mean, ugh. Whatever. Hey.
You and I have been through a lot together this semester. We’ve stood with the administration as they made surprise decisions without our consent, and, like a sorority girl whose dreams of cashing in on her trade with her new bluedevils.xxx site were dashed, we understand that they’ve done it for our own good. Normally, I’m a really strong advocate for consent, but when it’s someone older and more powerful than you, I think we can all agree it’s OK to let it slide. Everyone knows pornography is just a tool the patriarchal hegemony uses to oppress womyn, anyway.
Yes, like the Romans of old, we’ve battled the greeks and brought them under our righteous control. The administration is pretty much, like, who was that dude who was good at conquering Greeks? Was that Nero? I think so. The administration is pretty much him. Like that family in “The Color of Friendship,” we have learned the true meaning of multiculturalism. Like… any number of apt metaphors, we have told those pre-meds what’s what; we have Occupied Duke and we have rejected Occupy Duke for being too rational; we have set out to save the world and decided to become consultants instead. It’s been even more eventful than that time my interpreter got shot at in Africa. We paid him extra to function as a human shield if necessary, so don’t worry—it wasn’t human rights abuse or anything.
So what’s next? I’m planning my future post-graduation, and I’ll be honest with you; I’m a little hungover right now. Thank a secular nondeity business class is so quiet today. Don’t get me wrong; reproductive rights are great and everything, but if I ran an airline I would make all babies sit in coach. Or in the cargo hold or something. Isn’t that how people from third world countries get their babies here? Be good for those privileged American newborns to start developing Global consciousness at an early age. And it would shut them up.
Sorry. See, I’ve just returned from another round of interviews with Boston Consulting Group. I went out afterward with some of my new friends, and the weirdest thing happened. One minute I was trying to get everyone to donate to Quaker for Quakees, and the next minute they were thrusting drinks into my hands. No idea why. You ever had a cosmo, though? They are SO GOOD. I think I may still be a little drunk. This plane sure is moving a lot.
Hey, Loyal Citizens, we’re friends, right? Aren’t we? Then can I tell you a secret? You know how this is the “opinion” section or whatever? Well, ever since I started thinking about getting a job, I’ve become so confused about what my opinions are. Like, I’m not even sure if I HAVE opinions or if they’re just, you know, if I’m just angry, like, because I, well. I’ve never actually HAD anything to be angry about before so I was so excited to come to college and there were all these injustices everywhere, and, oh. I felt like Larry Moneta surveying Tailgate. I didn’t even know whom to kick first. But now I’m scared that this little weekly course I’ve been teaching is going to come back and bite me in the a— (The Chronicle censors words betraying my inebriation) in the future. I’m already the 1 percent, but what if I start to LIKE it? These columns would be, like, so embarrassing. Walking around with your conscience showing is pretty much like being naked in the business world.
Unnnnh I think I’m going to be siiiiick. How do all of you manage this every weekend? Maybe staggering back to the Belmont in high heels after some “rager” of a digressive every Sunday morning is harder work than I gave any of you credit for. Whatever. It’s work you weren’t getting paid for. You know how I feel about that. Downright shameful. But I’m still sorry. I’m just … so … sorry! I know I’ve offended so many of you and I haven’t even meant to. I’ve always tried really hard not to offend people. Isn’t that even more important than saying what needs to be said? Not offending people? I don’t even know anymore. I don’t even know if this plane is going to effing land.
Where’s the flight attendant? I’ve pressed this button, like, three times, I swear. Daddy will be hearing about this. I got better service than this in Africa. And that’s a third world country.
Concerned Global Citizen never knew until now that she was one of those girls who take off their clothes when they get drunk.
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